+iMpErFeCt Me+

myself?

2012-02-05T22:48:00.002+08:00

i feel so horrible.

but i really don't want to go on an overseas trip if i don't feel comfortable with the people. when you're only close to 2 out of the 8 people, of which 3 are total strangers. it's just scary. you don't know if you're going to enjoy yourself. and if you don't, it's a huge waste of money that could have been better spent.

maybe i'm an ass for backing out. maybe i'm being selfish. but i think this time i just want to put myself first.

i've also decided that after the campfire, i want to wash my hands off most of the stuff and help only on an ad-hoc basis. once again, putting myself first.

~~have i changed for the worse?~~

2012-02-02T18:19:00.002+08:00

Oh, how did I get stuck in this predicament, I don't know.
I want to throw this repetition out the window.
I'm gettin' tired, of wondering why I'm still here.

moving on

2012-01-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

It might seem as the hardest thing to do, but you have to forget the guy who forgot about you.
- Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

tried but i realize that you can never really forget someone. it can be out of sight, out of mind. it doesn't bother you at all. but when something triggers it, you're still affected even if you try hard not to be. and no, it doesn't mean that feelings still exist. it's just that you can't simply erase your past, erase your memories, erase a person who was once part of your life. i'd be lying if i were to say i was not affected at all. so i'll just admit that i am and move on with my life once again because you're just not worth it.

SIMPLE PLAN IN SG! :D

2012-01-30T21:37:00.000+08:00

SIMPLE PLAN'S CONCERT WAS FREAKING AWESOME! :D

15 JANUARY WILL GO DOWN AS A DAY I WILL NEVER FORGET!

I must say I've never felt so high before. I never imagined that I would feel this way. But hearing them perform live right here in Singapore is simply amazing. Though I've heard them perform live once last year, this time it was different. I guess because this was an actual concert by them rather than them being just a guest performer and they performed a total of 19 songs! I was so excited through the whole concert. I was screaming, jumping and singing along through the whole concert. Something I never imagined myself doing! But I was totally lost in their music and they sure knew how to hype up a crowd! :D it's really different seeing them perform live! they sang so many of my favorites though i was a tad disappointed that they didn't sing save you and i can wait forever. But at least they ended off with my all-time favorite perfect! :D

It was the first song that got me so into simple plan! I love how I can relate to the songs they write and how blasting them allow me to vent some of my pent up frustration and angst.

I was a really angsty teenager. Still am despite being an adult now. And the songs helped a lot. THANK YOU SIMPLE PLAN! indeed this song (or rather all your songs) saved my life.

My first concert ever. The experience was unforgettable because it's SIMPLE PLAN! I hope they'll come back soon!

Just so I won't forget, I shall leave the set list here:

Shut Up
Can’t Keep My Hands Off You
Jump
When I’m Gone
Addicted
My Alien
You Suck At Love
Thank You
Your Love Is A Lie
Astronaut
Summer Paradise
Fuck You / Dynamite / Raise Your Glass
Jet Lag
This Song Saved My Life
Welcome To My Life
I’d Do Anything
Loser of the Year
I’m Just A Kid
Perfect

priceless

2012-01-28T22:59:00.003+08:00

because it's a gift,
no money can replace it.
you can get me a new one
but it just won't be the same.

angsty me. :/

letting go

2012-01-23T23:04:00.001+08:00

why does it matter?

jia hui, let go. just let go. it's been such a long time. it shouldn't bother you anymore.

just let it all go.

2012-01-21T00:30:00.001+08:00

WTF. you don't spend the money already then tell me it exceeded the budget. the budget is there for a reason. if the money is really insufficient, inform me and i'll work something out and see if more money can be allocated. you can't just spend the money then inform me that you exceed the budget. am i supposed to magic the money out of thin air?!

really need to blow off steam. here i am worrying about insufficient funds and there people go spend exceeding budget.

may/june please come soon. i want to wash my hands off all this.

2012-01-14T21:55:00.001+08:00

JUST ONE MORE DAY TO SIMPLE PLAN CONCERT!!!! :D WOOHOO!

all i want

2012-01-13T22:42:00.002+08:00

at the end of the day,
i just want to be remembered by those i love.

2012-01-09T00:23:00.001+08:00

just realized how bitchy i can get at times.

but hey, it's my facebook page i can post whatever i like right?! and FYI this is the only proper holiday i get since i have placement. what do you know man?

don't understand why i'm so riled up over this. maybe cos it's just so rude.

answers

2012-01-06T22:43:00.001+08:00

i know the answer now.

i've probably known it all along. i was just too afraid to contemplate it. and i lied to myself over and over again.

but what does the answer, the truth bring? pain. the truth hurts. yes, it does.

and i wished i never found the answer.

10 more days!

2012-01-05T21:49:00.003+08:00

10 MORE DAYS TO SIMPLE PLAN'S GET YOUR HEART ON CONCERT! :D

I'M SO HYPED UP.

please please let me win the meet and greet passes! keeping my fingers crossed.

new year

2012-01-01T17:58:00.000+08:00

the year 2012 has kicked off to a good start.

spending the first hour of the new year talking to my dearest friends from cambodia, bell and channa! (: channa actually called me so that i could countdown together with them. it was thrilling hearing the children counting down in the background. maybe some time in the near future, i would be there counting down with them and celebrating both christmas and new year with them. (:

spending time with guolian at my house. not doing much. just watching a movie and lazing around. but it's not the things we do that counts. it's the company that matters! (:

though i must admit i felt a little conflicted just a little into 2012. and i guess i still do. it's amazing how something so small and casual could spark off a myriad of emotions and thoughts. how i wish i could verbalize all the thoughts that are running through my head. the deep seated confusion. if only things weren't so complicated. if only you could speak your mind but not be afraid of the consequences. if only...

unspoken

and a new year awaits

2011-12-31T21:42:00.001+08:00

a year is coming to an end and a new year is about to begin.

what a year it has been! a year full of ups and downs. a year full of changes. but overall 2011 was an alright year.

2011 was a year where my family dealt with so many changes. my mother started working after 22 years. my father had to switch jobs after 20+ years. it has been a year full of uncertainty. but it showed me the strength of blood relations, seeing my uncles and aunts reaching out to us. i love my family!♥

it's a year where i've met some wonderful people and friendships continue to strengthen. but it's also a year where i feel a greater distance from others and i'm slowly making peace with that.

it's a year where i fulfilled my wish of watching simple plan LIVE! ♥

most importantly, it's a year spent with good company, both family and friends. i'm thankful for all the good times spent this year, all the encouragement and support given and all the love. ♥

a big thank you especially to those who have been there, who have always been there in so many ways for me this year. i love you guys! ♥ Angeline ♥ Teck Sing ♥ Guolian ♥ Geraldine ♥ Manhong

---------------------------------------------

It's suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the New Year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps - our promises made, and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures - or closed ourselves down, for fear of getting hurt. Because that's what New Year's is all about: getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about 'what if' and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight - and it will drop - let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long - New Year's Eve

leap of faith

2011-12-29T23:12:00.001+08:00

It’s okay to listen to your heart. It’s risky, but take that leap of faith. - New Year's Eve.

maybe one day i'll take that leap of faith
when i'm not so scared to know what my heart really wants.

on a random note, i really really really want to go to universal studios!!!

2011-12-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

we grow up

and we grow apart.

hope

2011-12-22T02:01:00.001+08:00

you keep on hoping and hoping,
in spite of all the previous disappointments
but gradually, you stop hoping
you realize what a fool you've been.

what's left when all hope is gone?

results

2011-12-20T09:08:00.004+08:00

results are out. big sigh of relief. not as good as i would have liked but it's definitely above my expectations especially considering that i left 3 of the exam halls feeling terrible. i'm definitely thankful for the results i have. thank you God.

i never thought i would actually say this. but thank you bell curve for saving my singapore society.

THANK YOU ANGELINE AND ZAWIYAH for studying with me and pushing me on! :D

keeping my fingers crossed

2011-12-19T22:22:00.001+08:00

results out tomorrow. really freaking out this time round. keeping my fingers crossed. please let me maintain my CAP.

2011-12-17T00:52:00.002+08:00

wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?

2011-12-16T23:52:00.003+08:00

sometimes i feel so frustrated and i really just want to reply,
"why don't you do it yourself?"

the wanting to leave feeling is back again.
i can't seem to find much reason to stay
other than the company which is pretty awesome.

i don't know if this is just a "spur of the moment" thought
or it's just been lurking in the back of my mind and has been growing bigger with every second.

i guess i just feel sick doing most of these administrative stuff and being so helpless when it comes to other things.

2011-12-13T19:58:00.001+08:00

sometimes i just don't know.

my mind is a huge mess.

birthday present from cambodia!

2011-12-10T22:32:00.003+08:00

a birthday present and letter all the way from cambodia! totally made my day! :D

big thanks to james who brought it back to singapore!

a sweet letter from dearest sarah!

a present (that loads of thought has gone into it) and letter from bell! :D

2011-12-08T10:46:00.001+08:00

jealousy, the green monster rearing its ugly head.

hate it when i feel this way.

what right do i have to be jealous anyway?

insecure much?

SIMPLE PLAN!

2011-12-06T10:30:00.003+08:00

I'M GOING TO WATCH SIMPLE PLAN'S CONCERT LIVE! :D

i've watched them perform live before and it was EPIC even if it was only 3 songs.

this would be way AWESOME! :D

nothing is going to stop me from watching them live,

even if i'm going alone!

WOOHOO! :D

-----------------------------------------

another day without you with me

is like a blade that cuts right through me

but i can wait, i can wait forever

when you call, my heart stops beating,

when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding,

but i can wait, i can wait forever

21

2011-11-29T13:11:00.015+08:00

this is a long overdue post but i still feel the need to pen down my thoughts.

so i'm 21 at last. being 21 doesn't feel any different. i'm just the same old me going about life as i always do, trying to find myself, trying to find a place in this world.

while being 21 doesn't feel any different, i feel that it is a time to be thankful for many things in my life, particularly the people around me. without them, i would not be where i am today.

i'm thankful for my family. though we fight and argue often (really really often) and at times i feel that they don't really understand me and that we have a love-hate relationship. at the end of the day, i know my mum, dad and brother love me dearly and i do too.

thank you also to all my primary school friends, secondary school friends, poly friends and social work friends. you guys have all been a huge part of my life and i'm glad that you're still a part of my life and was there to celebrate my 21st with me. i hope that even as we journey through our life, we would not leave each other behind. thank you to: eddee, waikit, weeyang, serene, geraldine, sheena, esther soh, esther ng, angeline, tsu hui, melissa, guolian, zhuang wei, teck sing, wei wen, jean, manhong, fas, shao shiuan, jessica, zawiyah, huiwen, juian, ying ting.

there are some people who i would like to specially thank...

i'm thankful for an important friend who is the first person i turn to both in good times and bad times and who never fails to be there: Tecky. thank you for everything you've done for me. words just ain't enough. but i'll always be glad that i went to the beach with you, angeline and ying hao. it was the start of one of the most treasured and important friendships in my life.

i'm thankful for two friends who's been there for me since sec one: Geraldine and Angeline. through these past 8 years, you guys have always been there for me, encouraging me on. i don't think we've ever fought before about anything. thank you for accepting me for who i am! you guys were the first true friends i ever had in my life and it's been a huge blessing!

i'm thankful for another friend who although our friendship wasn't smooth, is someone i know i can always count on now. our friendship has both its ups and downs. i think it wasn't easy for our friendship to get where it is today. Guolian, this is for you! thank you for being a persistent person. if you hadn't persist in trying to save our friendship, i doubt we would be friends today. thank you for always encouraging me and letting me know that i'm not forgotten!

i'm thankful for a friend who's been a huge source of support and encouragement in uni. thank you Manhong! i'm really glad that i got to know you better in uni. thank you for putting up with my perpetual stress and panicky state. thank you for encouraging me and helping me always. although we are huge procrastinators and we cut it really close to the deadline, i really enjoy working with you (though we should probably stop procrastinating :P).

2011-11-27T19:46:00.001+08:00

me: why everything must ask serene one ar?
mum: ok lo. next time don't ask your future boyfriend come along
brother: don't need. you won't have the chance to.

idiot!

2011-11-25T02:22:00.002+08:00

please save me. let me get a C at the very least so i can s/u and not have to retake the module.

2011-11-23T19:08:00.001+08:00

i'm so stressed. i just feel like crying and giving up.

freak exams.

2011-11-23T00:44:00.000+08:00

早知今日，何必当初？

2011-11-22T20:52:00.001+08:00

what am i studying so hard for?

deep down

2011-11-10T21:53:00.000+08:00

be careful what you wish for

2011-11-09T11:28:00.001+08:00

unknowingly, some part of me has given up.

counting my blessings

2011-11-07T19:02:00.002+08:00

because there are those who are there.

who were always there.

who i hope will always be there.

that gives me the strength even in the darkest of days.

that lets me know that i'm not truly alone even though it may seem that way at times.

2011-11-04T03:58:00.001+08:00

FML FML FML FML FML

I DON'T KNOW WTH I'M WRITING!

learning

2011-11-01T05:21:00.004+08:00

"it's not about whether it's right or wrong.

it's about the process.

the joy of learning."

totally felt ashamed when i heard that. in the pursuit for good grades, i seem to have forgotten that the most important thing is to learn rather than to be right. we've been conditioned to continually strive for academic excellence, that the true meaning of learning seems to be lost for all of us.

i would like to say that from now i'll just focus on the joy of learning. but thing is it's hard. i still want to be right, i still want good grades.

such is life :/

Fly away

i'm not alone

2011-10-30T20:49:00.003+08:00

times like this when work is getting me down and i feel so overwhelmed, friends always makes things so much better.

just their presence, company, impromptu meet-ups or messages never fail to make my day. and for that i'll always be grateful.

♥ angeline. guolian. tecky. manhong. jean.

if

2011-10-30T11:58:00.006+08:00

if i only knew...

2011-10-29T18:57:00.000+08:00

life's simplest pleasures (:

astronaut

2011-10-27T00:09:00.003+08:00

Being human is the most terrible loneliness in the universe - A. A. Attanasio

Simple Plan - Astronaut

Can anybody hear me?
Am I talking to myself?
My mind is running empty
In the search for someone else
Who doesn't look right through me.
It's all just static in my head
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down, cause I'm tired of drifting round and round
Can I please come down?

I'm deaf from all the silence
Is it something that I've done?
I know that there are millions
I can't be the only one who's so disconnected
It's so different in my head.
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down, cause I'm tired of drifting round and round

Can I please come down?

Now I lie awake and scream in a zero gravity
And it's starting to weigh down on me.
Let's abort this mission now
Can I please come down?

So tonight I'm calling all astronauts
Calling lonely people that the world forgot
If you hear my voice come pick me up
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!

And tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
To the lonely people that the world forgot
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!

Can I please come down?
'Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round.
Can I please come down?

negativity setting in

2011-10-26T21:42:00.002+08:00

times like this when all the negativity sets in,

there's nothing to pull yourself out of it.

you just sink deeper and deeper.

and you just want to bawl your eyes out.

when you're running out of time

and you don't know how to split your time anymore.

or be more productive.

what a depressing end to an otherwise happy day.

2011-10-10T16:41:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder what i'm doing with my life.

and headaches, please get out of my life for good.

conflicting emotions

2011-10-09T12:41:00.001+08:00

i'm really touched :') because i know that there are those who care, those that bother.

but i'm really hurt too. disappointed. why? i can't help but ask why...

how is it possible to feel such conflicting emotions at once?

am i asking for too much?

tecky's pop! (:

2011-10-08T17:18:00.002+08:00

CONGRATULATIONS CHNG TECK SING! :D POP LO! :D you survived :P

the easy way?

2011-09-27T18:14:00.001+08:00

FYL? are you freaking serious?

sure. there's always the easy way out. you can take credit for things that don't belong to you. you can fake your results. you can pretend to do something which you didn't do. all for the sake of looking good. nobody will know anyway.

what's there at stake? only your integrity and the whole purpose of the project.

i'm not trying to be all high and mighty here. i understand that we're all busy people and at times we want the easy way out. i want an easy way out too but maybe there are other ways to do it which does not compromise our integrity. we can keep things simple. we can even out the work. we can get more help.

the thing is you threw such a big fuss but how much have you contributed thus far?

screw this semester. i'm so sick and tired. and i'm scared of screwing up.

standing up

2011-08-21T22:18:00.002+08:00

i've become irritable of late. directing my anger at people who don't deserve it and not directing my anger at the main source of my irritation and frustration.

i should never have taken up the position. what the hell was going through my mind? me not being firm enough in my decision has led to my own unhappiness. why did i allow myself to be so easily persuaded? why do i feel bad so easily? why does it matter to me if they do not have enough people who wanted to run for the exco? why do i have to feel bad about that and agree to run?

someone told me this awhile back: "though i do wonder does being so considerate all the time comes with too much effort for comfot. do take good care of yourself and stand up to represent your personal discomfort when it happens ok?"

i wished the person had told me that earlier. maybe it would given me the resolve to have followed through with my decision instead of being swayed. i would have stood up for myself made a decision that would have made me happy rather than how i am feeling now.

it's been less than a month. one whole year to go. FML.

突然累了

2011-08-07T19:47:00.002+08:00

time and again, i try not to rise to the bait.

but patience wears thin and gradually i bite the bait

and everything blows up in our faces.

i am so sick of it.

and i am so freaking tired.

i just want to have my holidays in peace.

nobody to tell me what i should do.

nobody complaining and bitching about everything to me.

maybe i'm heartless.

but maybe i just need some ME time.

can holidays please don't end so soon?

awesome placement!

2011-08-04T11:33:00.003+08:00

placement is officially over! submitted the portfolio on tuesday and went back to office to pack everything and even kept our tables and chairs. it feels sad knowing that i won't be going back to the office anymore regularly. even if i do go back, it will probably be just to visit.

these past 10 weeks of placement have really been awesome! :D it was admittedly stressful at times especially when dealing with casework. there were times that i suddenly broke down into tears but i have really learnt a lot! there were so many awesome things about placement! awesome partner and friend, Ying Ting! :D really glad to have known her better through placement! awesome colleagues! awesome elderly! awesome seminar tutor! most importantly, the most awesome supervisor of all, Candida! :D

i have really learnt so much from her in terms of social work and even about being a better person. she really inspires me to become a good social worker like her! i am really grateful for all the time she spent guiding me, encouraging me. i have really been blessed to have a supervisor like her! :D

if i were to compare my two internships, they are on two extremes. this is heaven and that was really hell. as jean said, God is indeed kind. i have really been blessed to be given this placement and such an awesome supervisor. i really ought to let go of that horrible experience and count my blessing now! :D

with Candida! :D most awesome supervisor! :D

with Ying Ting! :D thanks for everything! :D

UNACAS! :D

2011-07-31T12:49:00.009+08:00

I'M BACK FROM UNACAS! :D

4th time there and i love it more and more! one week flew by in a blink of an eye. it felt like i had just reached cambodia and then i'm taking the plane back to singapore. time spent at UNACAS always feels so short. it's like there is always never enough time! i feel really sad to leave. it's always hard for me to say goodbye. but i will always treasure the memories that i have. thank you my dearest friends, brothers and sisters in UNACAS especially: bell, channa, sarah, srey phear, coca, vita, vitok, lydia, prek, seth, vannara and narong! thanks for making my stay in UNACAS an enjoyable one! i am blessed to have met such wonderful people in my life.

there are so many things that i really want to say but i guess i'll just sum it up! had so many new experiences this time round once again:

1. Going to UNACAS alone

2. Bell and Coca picking me up from the airport! :D

3. Eating out with Bell for the first time! :D
4. Staying with the university students at their apartment in Phnom Penh! :D
5. Celebrating Sarah's birthday! :D

6. Songs from Bell, Sarah, Prek & Lydia! :D
7. Getting to know many more of the children and youth there! :D

8. Getting to know those i'm close to even better! :D
9. Tuk Tuk ride to the airport! :D
10. Bell and Srey Phear sending me off at the airport! :D

i told Bell i wouldn't cry this time but i still did. it's just that as the clock started ticking towards 11am, i know i would not be back for at least a year and i would really miss everyone and the life i have back at UNACAS. still, i held on to my tears. what broke my composure was seeing Srey Phear cry. she has loved me unconditionally ever since i first stepped into UNACAS and i would always be grateful for this little girl who grabbed my hand as soon as i stepped off the bus during my first trip them.

DEAREST SREY PHEAR! :D the first person i met at UNACAS! :D

BELL! :D BEST FRIEND FROM UNACAS! :D

with dearest channa, vannara & seth! :D

with my two favourite boys, vannara and morning star! :D

with my two favourite girls, srey phear and lydia! :D

I MISS UNACAS ALREADY! :(

daddy!

2011-06-18T21:42:00.003+08:00

my dad is starting his new job as a security officer on tuesday. he was wearing the uniform for us to see. at first, we were laughing and teasing him. but suddenly i felt an overwhelming urge to cry.

what happened? all my life i've known him as a taxi driver. but he had to have macular degeneration when eyesight is most important to a taxi driver. at 58, he has to look for a new job to support our family. 12 hours, 6 days a week despite his ailments and age. it's worse than his job as a taxi driver. all these just for us and yet at times i'm so unfilial. arguing, fighting, when nobody wins anyway.

i will do my best to make him proud of me. i will give to him and to my mum as much as they have given me.

2011-06-12T20:43:00.002+08:00

i was reading through past entries. 4 years back, i was struggling with these:

1) taking everything too seriously

2) high expectations

3) stress and tension

4 years later, which is now, i'm still struggling with the same stuff. i haven't grown out of it, have i?

ups and downs

2011-06-12T17:18:00.002+08:00

there is only so much disappointment that you can take.

and one day you just simply give up.

what's the use of trying when it feels like you're the only one trying?

what's the use of trying and only getting hurt in the process?

what's the use of getting your hopes up only to be disappointed in the end?

what is the use?

no. i'm not giving up. i just won't try so hard anymore. i'll just let nature take its course. if it comes, it comes. if it goes, it goes. all this disappointment has taken a toll on me. it dampens my spirits. i want to be a happier person.

on a side note, placement is really fulfilling. i have the MOST AWESOME supervisor. thank god for that. i'm super inspired by her. i aspire to be a true blue social worker just like her. i'll keep pushing forward. make the last 5 weeks count! learn as much as i can! jiayou jia hui! i can do it when i believe in myself!

stronger and better

2011-06-08T21:16:00.005+08:00

because i take everything so seriously, at times i find life just too tough.
it's tiring to keep pushing on. it's tiring to take everything so seriously.
but i don't know how to change or what i can do to change.
everyday i grapple with myself over various issues.
i am so tired everyday.

i just want to be the best that i can be.
a person with more confidence.
a person who speaks up.
a person who does not radiate so much tension.
is that really too much to ask for?
do i have too high expectations of myself?

i am not ok with being tense. i'm used to it. but it gets really tiring being tense all the time. it drains my energy away.

i just want to be a strong person, a better person.

2011-06-05T17:37:00.001+08:00

something i really got to learn!

boundaries

2011-06-05T17:14:00.001+08:00

i'm enjoying placement but it is so stressful especially with all the work undone. everyday, i feel like that's a heavy load weighing down upon me. i can't seem to separate my life from work. and that would be my undoing in time. i need to finish my work and i really need to draw a boundary between work and my life.

--------------------------------------

we're no longer close.

what happened?

nothing. just time.

or rather life simply happened and we left each other behind.

there are times when i look back at the good times and think what a pity that we're so distant now. but i guess that's life. a few stay. while the rest of us leave each other behind at different points of time in our life.

2011-05-29T10:42:00.003+08:00

FML.

and you somehow always make it all about you.

i didn't blame you. it's my own freaking mistake and it's my own mistake to bear. it doesn't affect you does it? i'm the one who have to return the loans and if i don't get the freaking bursary then i'll just have to bear the consequences and take longer to repay the loans or something.

i just asked why should you scold me when i already felt so horrible. then you have to turn it around onto you.

never mind me. i'm just not in the right state of mind now. stupid careless idiot.

SIMPLE PLAN! LIVE!

2011-05-28T21:57:00.005+08:00

SIMPLE PLAN LIVE! AWESOME! AWESOME! FREAKING AWESOME! <3

(photo courtesy of tecky)

seeing them up close. listening as they belt out their songs. it's an indescribable experience.

i've never felt so high or thrilled! :D

26/05/11: this will go down as a day that i won't ever forget for the rest of my life!

thank you tecky and my dearest cousin, cai hong for sharing this very special day with me! :D

i hope they'll hold a concert here when their new album is out! i really want to see their live performance again! it would be totally mind-blowing!

PIERRE! <3

don't tell me who i should be

don't try to tell me what's right for me

don't tell me what i should do

i don't wanna waste my time

i'll watch you fade away.

SIMPLE PLAN! :D

2011-05-25T07:05:00.003+08:00

OMG! SIMPLE PLAN IS IN SINGAPORE TOMORROW! I'M FINALLY GOING TO WATCH THEM LIVE! :DDD I'M FEELING SO INCREDIBLY HIGH NOW! :D WOOHOO!

Cos we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry, I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry, I can’t be Perfect

thank you tecky for accompanying :DDD

have faith?

2011-05-21T20:17:00.002+08:00

awesome week with awesome people! :D

1. monday with mel and tsu hui!

2. tuesday with manhong and jean!

3. wednesday with angeline, yu ci, zhi wei, jimmy and hui shan!

4. thursday with irene!

5. friday with tecky!

I WANT TO MEET WU GUOLIAN!

it's been an exhausting week but a great and enriching one.

it's just that sometimes i find it so hard to believe in myself. inadequacy keeps screaming at me. and i keep wondering if i'm cut out for this. but then again, how would i know if i haven't even tried? i'm not giving up, i'm just so afraid that i will make huge mistakes that impacts others. it's this fear that overwhelms me. i know i shouldn't let this fear take control over me. i just need to learn how to believe in myself. i really want to do my best. i'm just afraid that the best just isn't enough.

can anyone please teach me how to believe in myself?

loved! :)

2011-05-15T19:36:00.003+08:00

i'm really blessed with loved ones! :D been wanting to blog about this for sometime but never had the time to.

the exam period was one of the most stressful period ever. constant mugging. without the comfort of my novels [this is the very first time, i kept myself away from my novels :(]. it was simply textbooks, readings, more textbooks and more readings. there were days i really felt drained.

but thank god for family and friends who were there for me. i really felt so loved.

1. my awesome daddy who bought and cooked me all my favourite food. [though i disappointed him by not having much of an appetite and even vomiting because i was so stressed]

2. my mummy who was my human alarm clock

3. guolian who came to my house at 10.44pm just to bring me stuff which could help me stay awake and all her words of encouragement and her study pack!

4. angeline who has been mugging with me and encouraging me all this while!

5. jessica, juian, jean and manhong who have constantly been entertaining all my questions and encouraging me all this while.

i'm really lucky to have such awesome family and friends! :D but i must also learn to be less dependent on others and be stronger by myself! :)

keeping my fingers crossed and hoping the exams will turn out fine now!

placement is pretty awesome too! i just need to stop being scared of everything and be more confident in what i do! :)

2011-05-14T09:46:00.003+08:00

after a long day of work, home just isn't a peaceful environment to return to.

and sometimes i just want to escape from all this.

special

2011-05-09T21:07:00.002+08:00

special people leave footprints in our hearts and have a kind and caring way that helps us find the strength to get through life each day (:

placement

2011-05-08T22:07:00.002+08:00

start of placement tomorrow. wish me luck. i really hope it'll be great. keeping my fingers crossed!

2011-05-02T20:25:00.001+08:00

what i need is a good dosage of belief.

and maybe a tight slap. stop panicking and freaking out. it doesn't help matters.

2011-04-27T06:25:00.002+08:00

what a demoralizing first exam paper. but pointless to think about it. 1 down, 3 more to go. i started late but i'm really working hard now. i hope it pays off and it's not too late.

Password Protected

exams :/

2011-04-25T20:19:00.004+08:00

first paper tomorrow. the only paper i have confidence in. but i'm still feeling really uneasy, stomachache and all. exams ALWAYS scares me for some reason. keeping my fingers crossed. wish me luck.

note to self:

- focus and concentrate when studying

- try to speed up on my readings

- try to stay awake longer at night to study

- if you fail, or don't do well, your life isn't going to be over. you'll just get a bad grade stop catastrophizing it.

- just believe in yourself and don't panic during the papers!

moving forward

2011-04-21T22:34:00.002+08:00

in the past, when i was in the area i always hoped that i would see you again. who knows, when i've stopped hoping and thinking about it, i actually saw you.

i had imagined different scenarios on what would happen if we were to meet but never this. it was so unexpected that i had to do a double take. i didn't realize it was you. but when i did, i just turned away and quickly walked off, hoping that you didn't see me yet hoping you did.

did you see me? what went through your mind when you saw me?

no, i'm really honestly not affected by it. i'm just curious. i guess i just want to know if it had meant as much to you as it did to me. but i will never know. and it doesn't really matter anymore. i've moved on.

2011-04-16T21:27:00.003+08:00

in reality, the people who disappoint you most are not the people around you. it's yourself. and maybe you're the one who's disappointing others.

sometimes i really feel like i'm drowning under expectations. not expectations that others have for me but expectations i have for myself.

and i really wish i could just cry it all out to someone. let the tears flow. let the words flow. let all the fears, the worries, the anxiety all out. but even that takes courage. and sometimes even when i work up the courage to do so and the words are about to spill out, something holds me back. maybe it's pride.

i haven't been getting a good sleep in a long while and i don't know why. every night, i wake up in the middle of the night and sometimes it takes me so long to go back to sleep. please let me have a good sleep :/

hugs

2011-04-12T09:24:00.003+08:00

(source: alivewithemotion)

please give me a hug when you see me. cos i'm really tired. and i really need a hug.

2011-04-11T22:11:00.002+08:00

i feel like i'm losing my mind.

why can't i just freaking calm down.

where does worrying bring me?

NOWHERE.

fuck it.

all these talk about wanting to help others

when i can't even help myself.

bullshit. this is all freaking bullshit.

does my grades matter so much?

does getting a second upper class honours really matter so much?

yes it does. it freaking does.

but some things are not within my control.

i can only do my best.

and not worry too much about the outcome.

so why can't i freaking get that?!

stop thinking and just do. just do it.

and i'm sorry if i was such a spoiler tonight being in a daze and not talking much.

believe in myself

2011-04-11T02:29:00.003+08:00

it's 2.40am and here i am working on my assignment.

sometimes, all we really need is to believe in ourselves. we just have to do our very best, put in our best efforts in what we do. we don't exactly have control over the outcome but what we have is the knowledge that we have given it our best shot. there is no use over-worrying whether what you've done is good enough. maybe it is. then it is a reward for your efforts. maybe it isn't. then it'll just be another learning opportunity.

it's time to take a deep breath, relax and remained focused on the task. there is no point in worrying at all. it only takes your attention away from the task at hand.

i can do it. i know i can. i just need to believe in myself.

what are words?

2011-04-10T12:16:00.006+08:00

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

indeed, what are words if you really don't mean them? as copied from yiwen's facebook:

‎"Words? Do words show you care? Mr Bean doesn't talk too much, but he doesn't leave his teddy behind."

answers

2011-04-06T22:03:00.004+08:00

cause i really don't know. i keep trying to search within me. and it's become like an obsession.

now is not the time. really not the time. exams are almost here. it's time to focus. give it my best shot. maybe when that's over and placement is over, it's time to really look for the answers.

幸福

2011-04-05T20:33:00.001+08:00

突然间我也觉得自己其实很幸福! :D

cos i'm surrounded by family and loved ones.

thank you angeline for making me realize that with your photo caption :P

thank you to those who've been with me all this while:

angeline, melissa, tecky and guolian. <3

2011-04-04T12:51:00.002+08:00

feels awesome to swim :) shall do it on a regular basis starting from now.

sometimes, i think i'm a good liar. most people don't feel so. but that's cos i've been lying to myself and it's become some form of personal truth to me. so when i share with others, it ain't really a lie cos i honestly believe in it. i haven't been lying to people, i've just been lying to myself.

or maybe i'm just confused.

afraid

2011-04-03T20:14:00.002+08:00

cos we're always too scared

too scared to take the first step

too scared to step out of our comfort zone

too scared to face the unknown

so we live our life as it is

not saying the things we really want to say

not doing the things we really want to do

and when we look back

we wonder what could have been.

all that's left are regrets and more regrets

maybe it's time to stop being so afraid.

just maybe.

2011-03-29T14:02:00.003+08:00

i'm super pathetic. wanted to take a nap cause i was tired but i can't freaking fall asleep cause i'm too anxious and i can't relax.

what is seriously wrong with me.

and what if your best just isn't enough?

medicine

2011-03-22T22:21:00.003+08:00

it's been a long time since i blasted simple plan songs.

medicine for the soul indeed.

2011-03-21T23:37:00.002+08:00

why do i waste practically my whole day away. then use the remaining part of the day feeling guilty about it.

and to think i'm considering working in the afternoons on weekends. should i? :/

rant

2011-03-13T15:34:00.002+08:00

i've been blogging a lot recently. i guess there's just a lot on my mind and i just really need to find an outlet to express it all.

here and there, i'm losing faith in myself. i question myself every step of the way. is what i am pursuing really what i want out of my life? i may speak with conviction about what i'm pursuing but do i honestly feel that way? am i just feeling all this because i feel that i cannot live up to expectations? or is there something more to all this? i truly enjoy what i'm studying. but to put theory to practice, i'm not sure if i really can do it. but i guess it's this negativity that's bound to bring me down and i should be more optimistic, give it my best shot before making such remarks.

i also can't stop thinking. i keep thinking and thinking and thinking. my mind is so cluttered. i really should stop thinking so much, stop reading into things so deeply. as long as i know and feel i've done nothing wrong, what do i have to be afraid of? i should stop projecting my feelings on other people, thinking they're unhappy with me, angry with me. if i don't intend to do anything about it and even ask them how they really feel, what's the point of all this thoughts?

and there's this other thing i'm so confused about. i should really just stop over-thinking matters. things are great just the way they are. i should stop complicating them.

ok. end of rant.

on a side note, anybody want to watch gnomeo and juliet?

irrational beliefs

2011-03-13T00:19:00.003+08:00

Irrational Beliefs

#1 It is a necessity for me to be loved or approved by everyone for everything I do

(Albert Ellis, 1962)

i guess i should stop being irrational then. but it's hard.

2011-03-12T10:59:00.012+08:00

a dream that was so out of place.

i was too young and too foolish. i shall not make the same mistakes again. i should stop holding on to the hope of seeing you someday. cause i don't even know why i want to do so. probably just some weird kind of curiosity. it's for the better this way.

be strong

2011-03-09T23:03:00.002+08:00

i need to get a better grip of my emotions. i need to cast my feelings of incompetency and inadequacy away. i need to be more positive. i should be focusing on what's important and not about me and my feelings.

CHEW JIA HUI, BE STRONGER!

time

2011-03-07T20:55:00.002+08:00

只是想多留一会儿，多说一些话。

因为时间错过了，就再也找不回来了。

stressed stressed stressed.

1)House Visit

2)Research Essay

3)Response Paper

4)Readings, readings, readings and more readings

will i be able to catch up at this point in time?

and i can't put a name to this feeling.

what are you afraid of?

2011-03-06T23:04:00.003+08:00

Today, my teacher asked to everyone in my class, “What are you afraid of?”. I was the only one who didn’t answer her question right away, so she came to me and whispered “What are you afraid of, Gi? The dark maybe? Monster under the bed?” and she laughed as I kept quiet. And then I answered her ” I’m not afraid of the dark, teacher. I’m not afraid of monster under my bed. The dark is way too comforting for me to ever be afraid of it, it’s calm, it’s quiet, it’s when you can finally drop your mask and be yourself, it’s when you don’t need to pretend to be perfect to please everyone else. I’m not afraid of monsters under my bed, because I know where they actually are, and it is not under my bed, but within each person in this room. Everyone has a demon, everyone has something they regret.” and, surprised, she asked again “Then, what are you afraid of?”, as I replied, “Easy. I’m afraid of all the minutes where I’m alone. Where I’ve got nothing to do. Because that’s the time my thoughts come rushing in, and I just can’t control them. That’s the time, I can’t control myself. I’m not afraid of anyone, of anything. I’m afraid of this lonely moments, where I’m actually, afraid of myself”.

[credits: putafakesmile]

on a happier note

2011-03-06T00:00:00.002+08:00

angeline is my best mugging partner ever! ♥ i accomplish so much more when studying with her and i get to spend so much more time with her as compared to the past few months. [thanks angeline! :D] this totally reminds me of the good old days in secondary 4 where we mugged together :)

so i'm finally working hard. it's a little late in the semester to start but i really hope it's not too late.

everything's going great for now. i hope it lasts :)

2011-02-26T23:04:00.001+08:00

if you don't believe me

then just look into my eyes

cause the heart never lies ♥

2011-02-23T23:18:00.002+08:00

i wish i had never met a person like you in my entire life. sure, i'm probably being over dramatic about this whole thing. after all like my brother say it's only money and i did enjoy myself after all. but it's just that i really thought that the whole thing has blown over since like 2009 only now it hasn't and i still remember how horrible everything was then, like i was the one at fault. i know i could totally ignore what's happening now, i know that. but i can't because my conscience is nagging at me. it's not fair that someone else has to take responsibility for your actions. i could never get over it. i just hope that this is the last of it and it will all go away and nobody will ever bother me again because of whatever you did. please.

2011-02-21T20:43:00.002+08:00

seriously, FML.

quote of the day :)

2011-01-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

there is no such thing as best attempt

when you really attempt at something,

you should always strive to become better than the previous time

- Guolian

brighter :)

2011-01-21T21:37:00.004+08:00

chanced upon something interesting. it's a business venture by NTU students where you earn money by recieving sms. http://www.smads.com.sg/joinUsNow.jsp?refID=4371

anyway, lessons are interesting! :) school would be awesome if there weren't readings, assignments and exams. but at least i enjoy what i'm studying now.

skyped with bell and sarah a few days ago. plus it was his birthday! :) happy birthday friend! hope it was a great one for you! :)

miss you guys so much!

letters! :D

2011-01-02T20:08:00.007+08:00

letters from UNACAS :D they never fail to make me smile. it was an awesome way to start a whole new year! [thank you qing ai de for passing the letters to me :)]

my dearest friends in cambodia, thank you for keeping me in your hearts. you guys have a very special place in my heart! :)

i'm sure we'll meet again some time soon. :D

2010-12-04T23:46:00.001+08:00

please don't ever let me regret the choice that i've made.

HOLIDAYS! :D

2010-12-01T22:07:00.002+08:00

EXAMS ARE OVER! :D WOOHOO!

one whole month of holidays ahead! one whole month of not doing anything at all. one whole month of not being restricted by a schedule. one whole month of doing just anything i want! :D

been looking forward to the holidays since the middle of the semester and now it's finally here. may time pass as slowly as possible. let me savor this moment before i have to face school all over again. (and before results come out too).

i studied. i studied hard. but did i put in 100%? could i have put in more effort? i know i could and i should. it's too late to regret. i guess when the results are out it will serve as a push factor for me to work even harder and not over-procrastinate like i did this semester. it's also time to wake up and treasure that i have a place in the university and stop whining like a baby. i hope this lesson doesn't come too late. ~~please let me pass all my modules. please let me get an acceptable CAP that won't be too hard to pull up later.~~ i can only keep my fingers crossed now and hope for the best.

as for other matters, i don't care anymore. what meant's to be will be. what's not meant to be will never be. instead of tearing myself up over it. i'll just let nature takes it's course. i'm only human and i'm tired.

2010-11-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

happy. empty. relieved. empty. empty. empty. empty.

and i can't explain the emptiness inside too.

hope

2010-11-07T23:17:00.001+08:00

those who are worth it will come for you somehow

- GuoLian

i will just keep hoping then.

♥

2010-11-05T01:09:00.002+08:00

something that can brighten up my day

♥ ♥ ♥

distance

2010-11-03T19:39:00.002+08:00

and i told myself, i've tried. i really did. but have i really tried hard enough?

there are times when i wonder whatever the distance really exists or it's just a product of my overactive imagination. i don't know what to think. sometimes it hurts too damn much and i just want to stop thinking. i want to stop caring. maybe then it'll stop hurting.

goodbye

2010-10-28T20:30:00.002+08:00

i guess it's not just about putting in effort

sometimes people just grow apart.

for no good reason at all.

2010-10-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

气象预报说：今日天气晴，但，因为你只留给我背影，所以，在我的眼里下了场大雨。

-这里发现爱