i wonder whether there was a part of me that had really wished for someone to ask me more, delve deeper into how i was really doing or coping. maybe a part of me did. but another part of me probably didn’t too. because it’s still difficult to talk about it. 

what really struck me was a question on whether i was willing to let go of the pain or i am trying to hold on to that pain as a reminder that i had loved and also continue to miss deeply. i realIzed that i have no answer to that. 

is it really a conscious choice? and if it is, does letting go really means i loved any less? does letting go means i won’t feel the pain anymore?