;i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

letting go

it’s the second time i’ve really opened myself up to talk about this.

i wonder whether there was a part of me that had really wished for someone to ask me more, delve deeper into how i was really doing or coping. maybe a part of me did. but another part of me probably didn’t too. because it’s still difficult to talk about it.

what really struck me was a question on whether i was willing to let go of the pain or i am trying to hold on to that pain as a reminder that i had loved and also continue to miss deeply. i realIzed that i have no answer to that.

is it really a conscious choice? and if it is, does letting go really means i loved any less? does letting go means i won’t feel the pain anymore?

breathe

reminder to self:

even when things are difficult, bask in the knowledge that you are loved. be thankful.

messy

i realized that as i get older, it gets harder to open up to people around me, even those whom i hold closest and dearest to my heart. i don't remember it being like this when i was younger. or maybe my memory fails me.

it has been easier to say that things are ok, that things are fine even when sometimes it isn't. i ask myself, why don't i share even when there are things that are really weighing me down? why do i shut down a topic even though it's something that bothers me?

i guess a part of me worries that by opening up, i can't stem the flood of emotions any longer. it would unleash and i may feel more terrible than i did before. i can no longer keep these emotions in check. i guess another part of me feels that people won't understand. they will try and i believe they really do. they will also encourage and cheer me on and i know they really care but it sometimes just doesn't feel like it's enough.

and maybe that's ok. maybe just the knowledge that i am loved and there are people who really cares for me will continue to sustain me, no matter how messed up i feel inside at times.
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jiahui
23
15nov1990
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