i'm now stuck deep in a pit that i have dug myself. i can blame so many things, but who else to really blame but myself? it's a choice i chose to make and i have to live with it. perhaps, the situation wouldn't have been so bad if i had a lot more self control. my father said "i told you to control. but you are always like this" the words seriously stung. i am NOT always like this at least when i'm outside. yes, the control part is true. but i just couldn't gather any ounce of respect which led to the total lack of control and the lack of consideration of the consequences.

i've talked about the situation to people. but the extent of my unhappiness is not something that could really be expressed. ever since, my heart feel heavy, like a stone is weighing down on it. whenever i think about the issue, it's like there is something stuck in my throat. the issue haunts me even when i'm surrounded by people and i feel like crying my heart out each time but it doesn't seem to be enough.

i want so much to escape. but i can't. when i asked for an escape, i was only half kidding. a part of me really hoped that i could escape just like this. but it's not possible as i knew from the start. i can only pray that these 4 weeks would pass by as swiftly as possible without incident. then i can forget about this whole thing as soon as possible so that the baggage can be lifted.

but faizal's inspirational talk came at the right moment and i'm grateful for that. anything can happen as long as you believe. i shall believe that i can survive through this and be better.

i only have one plea, and it is that things do not get any worser

regrets. just too many of them

but more TGIAF please. i need it so badly.