my brain and heart are not in agreement. rationally, it's right. but when you consider interpersonal relationships, should i have done it in the first place?

principles or interpersonal relationships? which is more important? which should i consider? cause at times you have to choose one but neglect another.

my father told me not to care. he said it doesn't matter. i want not to care too. and why should i even care? i always say it sucked in the first place. but maybe i care too much about what others think.

this sucks.

but looking back, it's not anyone's fault but mine. i led myself to be left out.

i let myself be overwhelmed by work. i don't manage my time well. i also often feel guilty if my workload is seemingly little and always end up volunteering for more. sometimes i don't feel like doing, but nobody else volunteer so i'll volunteer no matter how much i don't want it.

isn't that asking for trouble? why can't i be more selfish? what's the use of volunteering and grumbling eventually? everything is simply my own undoing. i have no right to grumble or complain.

because i'm so busy and stressed out, i end up rejecting gatherings and meet ups. or not people think i'm very busy and stressed and thought it better not to ask me out.

who else to blame but myself?

i miss my friends. because i don't see them that much or talk to them that much which is also my undoing since i reject or i don't take the initiative. but i can't help but wonder if i still mean something to them or have other people replaced me.

all i want to do is rant, cry, scream, throw something, kick something, just vent out everything that is in me.

i've been awake since 6am. i haven't really had a break other than dinner. it's study -> test -> cca -> dinner ->homework.

i'm so sleepy but i'm pushing on. i want to cry but i refuse to let the tears fall. what am i really doing all this for? i've lost my speed and steam. i'm sick of everything. sick of projects. sick of people. sick of myself.

one of the very reason i dislike school is cause of group projects. call me individualistic but projects usually bring trouble and even more trouble or rather school projects does that.

you think you know me? maybe you don't. cause everything is just a facade. and sometimes i'm just such a freaking hypocrite. it makes me hate myself so much more.

sometimes it seems like i'm doing things more for the sake of doing. i can't derive any purpose from it. i guess this is just a passing phase. every once in a while, i fall in the dumps and i just need to pick myself up again. i hope i'll be able to pick myself up fast.

and i seriously dread IS, both world issues and understanding the media. maybe this is what's contributing mostly to my dread and fatigue. world issues lessons are definitely interesting but it's the work that i dread. and i regret taking understanding the media. but too late for regrets. just too late. what else can i do other than working hard for now? i can only keep my fingers crossed.

my dad thinks it's funny to joke about how i don't need to enter university already. but the thought seriously scares me...

心情很低落但却指不出原因来

心里就像是有一块大石头似的

压到我快喘不过气来

我不喜欢这样的自己

很讨厌这样的自己

我很想看到开开心心的自己

就是这样而已

难道不可以吗？

thank goodness everything turned out fine eventually. if something were to happen at this point of time, i'll probably go crazy. grades haven't been too good. i really must work hard or goodbye to NUS. i don't really care how well others do, i do not need to be the best. i just want an opportunity to study in a local university. please let everything go well.

mood swings once again. sighs. sorry my friends especially those who have been affected by me.

leaving unhappy things aside. yesterday i met up with geraldine! :D:D:D meet ups with special people definitely makes my day! :D no matter how tired i felt yesterday, moving around with less than a hour of sleep, i was much happier after meeting geraldine! furthermore bumped into melissa and sijie. seeing the both of them also added joy to my day! :D too bad i couldn't go for project orion with them. it would have been fun! :D

i strive to work harder from now on. no more procrastination or at least minimize it!

i need to ventilate.

but if i do, i'll feel bad.

then again if i don't,

its like something weighing me down.

i think i'm going crazy. tears dropping for no reason at all. and it's not crying

i miss my friends.

i miss melissa who's in terengganu. i wished i was there too.

i miss angeline because our last meeting was just not long enough.

i miss weiwen who i just met today. because we never really got to talk still.

i miss geraldine because it will probably be a long time before we meet again.

i miss tecky because even though we see each other, we don't really spend much time together.

where you have to tiptoe through everything, just so it wouldn't explode in your face.

where you try your best but sometimes it isn't enough.

people remember the wrong that you did.

but never the right.

so what's this about life?

what is life all about sometimes?

you always have to undo any sense of joy that i feel.

thanks for nothing.