some people say being alone is lonely. but i will say that being alone isn't lonely. it is when you are with a bunch of people and yet you still feel so alone, that's what loneliness is. 

maybe, just maybe.

and i seriously hate petty guys.  take people's concern in the wrong way. why should i even care right? what an ass.

feeling lousy. yucks yucks.

then tell me, why do i feel so freaking FRUSTRATED? why do i feel like i've screwed myself up by doing so? just tell me why? i treasure the friendship. but the issue here is really two separate things. to be honest, i'm really worried about my future. it's this pressure that keeps building up. that at the end i would fail. that at the end my father will always conclude that going to a poly was the wrong choice and i'll never be able to prove him wrong. 

maybe it's just me being bossy not being able to accept what others say. maybe it's just me always complaining but never ever stating how i really feel? but how do you say something that could jeopardize everything? and how can you not say something when you feel so strongly against it? 

maybe it's just me. being such an ass so concerned over academics and grades. but how not to in this society where academics matter more than anything else. who cares if i got an amazing cca record. it's just so hard to believe in myself sometimes. 

please, just let everything turn out fine. 

how am i supposed to make a choice between this YEP trip and studies when the lines all blur together? i would have to miss a week of school but i could catch up, couldn't i? i would have lesser time in the holidays to complete my projects and assignments but i could still rush it out and still put in my best couldn't i? i could also still wait for the next trip couldn't i? it's such a tough choice to make.

my greatest fear is that i'll screw my semester up which i really can't afford to. people can say things like going for such trip and getting the award is good for your portfolio blah blah blah. but then again in reality without results, where can you go if you don't have the money to study overseas? who cares about your portfolio when your grades don't even meet the requirement. this is the harshness of a society where academic qualifications matters. i don't want to make another mistake. when i look back, all i see are mistakes staring back at me. screwing up my PSLE because of laziness. having to appeal to enter CTSS. not performing well for my O levels. do i really want to make another mistake? would it really be another mistake? i don't know. i really don't know.

plus there's the thing that my parents aren't totally for the choice i made in coming to a polytechnic. the only way to show them that it was never a wrong choice is to get into a local university with my grades. could i do that and still go for the trip? my GPA only barely reached the requirement to enter a universtity. can i take a chance? can i, really? 

this is so freaking screwed up. it's such a tough choice to make that i was so close to crying during the meeting. would i ever be able to make a choice?

was really apprehensive the day before the camp for don't know what reason. maybe i'm just creeped out going to a camp where i don't know everybody there. but i'm glad i broke out of my comfort zone and went anyway! :D there was me, melissa and shawn from griffin!

on the first day, my dad drove me and mel there! yay! love my dad man! melissa had a huge knock while entering the taxi (i think she became more stupid after that:x) had icebreakers which was really cool and novel! i've never tried such icebreakers before. there was the interlocking rope on which melissa and i just couldn't get it right despite all the help from adrian and oliver. and later even though we sucessfully did it with oliver's help, when asked to do it again, we FORGOT! zomg! there was also this game where you have to mark two people and then form an equilateral triangle/straight line. the purpose of the game was to show us that one person's actions can actually affect the whole team! anyway had lunch and we headed for the Raffles Museum of Biodiversity Research! it was really interesting being able to see all the animals up close. melissa got a little over excited though over *ahem* sijie taught us to make egg specimens so we could make our own easter eggs! it was way cool! :D i love my egg! had dinner and we played cards! we played melissa's ku gua gua game but nobody was hyped up. but when it came to slamwich it was really hilarious. what's with parry being so distracted cause he just can't stop talking :x later had a small chat with parry before going to bed cause he was interested in psychology. it was really nice talking to him, listening to his analogies and all. the race track. the train. everything. very enlightening indeed! (: went off to bed and it's day 2!

had to wake up at like 3.45am to head over to tanjong rimau for our exploration. didn't hear the alarm ring. lucky, sijie knocked on our door to wake us up. it was really amazing to see all these marine life located in sentosa! i'm sure most of us don't even know that we can see such beautiful marine life here in singapore. we saw loads of crabs,fishes and even an octopus! the octopus can change colours and it's really smart! it escaped from the box it was placed in! had breakfast and back to HQ. attempted to sleep but wasn't a good one. was only half asleep that when the guys knocked on the door, i immediately woke up. had this activity where we were all trapped in a cave and a tide would come in soon so we had to convince the rest that we had to be the first to go out. we each played different roles and i got the role of the researcher who has most probably found a plant which could lead to the cure of cancer. it was kind of scary when all the jury except for one chose to bombard me with questions. but at the end, i was the second to escape! YAY! not that bad i guess. paired up with afiq for the project and we did one on saving the orangutans. we were pretty efficent i guess! it was nice working with him! so after we completed and afiq went to sleep, i lingered around and tried to help melissa, parry and daniel. we only went to bed at like 6am +. slept only for less than an hour and then had to wake up. 

headed for breakfast at the nearby coffeeshop and my scarf entered the curry staining my uniform too. i was really upset by it. i just kept wondering why do i always do stupid things like this. plus i need the uniform for the presentation later and i couldn't wash off the stains. but thanks melissa for help me!

another ten years down the road, who will still be there?

maybe there's this huge sense of incompetency coupled with the lack of confidence. maybe it's this fear that you will somehow screw things up, that somehow you will lead things into a failure, into one huge mess. i don't know when i had started feeling this way. when i look back at the guiding days, did i feel the same way too? or was i alright with taking the lead? my memories are a blur and i don't know if this sense of incompetency started from then or only after i left seconday school. and if so, why? it's not only with school stuff, it's with scouts too. when asked to lead the boys, i somehow always find a way to escape doing so cause i'm afraid i'll screw up, i'm afraid i'm just not good enough. there's so much i hope to do. so much which i really wish to contribute. i'm glad for an opportunity to do so. but i'm afraid. afraid of what? i don't know. i just have this sense of fear. 

where did the issues stem from? the fact that i feel uncomfortable in my own skin?

the years seem to have pass by in a flash.

as time pass, many things change,

and some changes seem to have slipped through our eyes

we don't notice them.

till one day,

we look back and we realise what a big change it has been.

and you wonder how did it slip by?

you wonder when did the change ocur?

you wonder why did the change occur?

because you have grown up?

because you have grown out of it?

because it's no longer a safe haven?

you look at the wide gap.

the ever widening chasms between people.

and your heart aches for the closeness you once shared.

you wonder whether you can turn back time.

you wonder if there's anything that you can do to close this wide gap.

but there doesn't seem to be any way to do so.

because feelings have been replaced.

when there had once been love.

now there's only an obligatory sense of love.

what has happened?

what is there to be done?

you cry on the inside.

you scream on the inside.

but there's no one you can turn to.

because these feelings are just too complex.

and people judge.

everybody does.

and maybe you just can't take people's judgement.

so you swallow everything, 

hoping that things would somehow change. 

you just want to hold them close

and never ever let them go.

these moments will never fail to bring a smile

these moments will never fail to remind us of something precious

and there'll be many more noteworthy moments to come.

i'll treasure them and hold them close.

so i'll always look back with a smile.

you feel glad that people see you in such a positive light.

but when reality sets in.

the dream came as a sort of closure. in the dream, i finally came face to face with you after such a long time. and this time, i took the initiative to say a hesitant "hello" and when you replied "hello", i woke up. i'm happy because even though it's only a dream, in some ways i've let go of the past in order to just say a simple "hello".

maybe there would come a day when i would see you again. i believe i'll be able to casually say a "hello" like any acquaintance that i have ever known.