i'm really physically sick and tired. it's really the wrong time to be sick. especially with the counselling assignment due on monday plus symposium coming up. if you're sick, you need more rest. but at the rate i'm going. i'll probably have another few more sleepless nights and i'll probably take a long long time to recover for the simple flu despite my willingness to take medication this time round.

i'm close to pulling my hair out. transcripting is killing me. i must complete transcripts and SOAP notes by tonight. i must.

you can just simply get scolded without doing anything.

you can just simply get scolded without knowing what's going on.

fuck.

all i want to do is run away from all this.

i've also finally revamped my picture board which is 2 years old! now it's updated and looks more personal and contains stuff which really means a lot to me :D

WHY CAN'T YOU CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND? I DIDN'T EVEN SHOUT DIDN'T EVEN SCREAM AT YOU LIKE I USUALLY DO! AND I HAVEN'T DONE SO IN A LONG TIME EVEN WHEN I FELT WRONGED. TODAY, I WAS JUST ASKING A SIMPLE QUESTION! 

shit. i feel all choked up because i refuse to cry. why should i cry anyway? i didn't do anything wrong this time round. i'm so sick of this. 

oh no, talking to melissa about scouts stuff reminds me of the undone minutes. =/ that's like so overdue. ahhh. 

i'll sleep first. and worry about that tomorrow. 

-----------------------------------------

mr glen looks at my laptop and sees my webpage is at a game.

mr glen: you play game during my lesson.

me: no la. i never. i wanted to play during your lesson but cannot load eh. only after your lesson end then can load. so i didn't play during your lesson. 

mr glen: you still dare to tell me.

HAHAHAHA! :D 

dearest guolian,

here's wishing you a very happy birthday! i hope you really did like the "special" text message as you labelled it and also the simple dinner we had at Jurong Point. it's times like this which i treasure. just a day out with friends spending quality time together. i hoped you enjoyed yourself as much as i did. i just want you to know i'm glad for a friend like you. despite the many unhappiness we've been through, we've made it! let's hold on strong and never let go! :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

love,

Jia Hui

actually sometimes when you're feeling all tired, you really hope someone would understand. but at the point of time, nobody seems to understand or maybe it's because being tired changed my perspective of who understands and who don't. but it still hurts. hurts really badly. people don't think of asking "why?" when you're frustrated and become cold, indifferent, attitude(?). they just think you're giving them a bad attitude. they get angry with you and they don't see things from your perspective. and sometimes i wished that people would just ask "why" understand you haven't had enough sleep or you just had a bad day and you just wish to be alone or you wish to have someone there to care. because i don't think i always show an attitude problem or something. it's just times when i'm down over issues. but maybe with my wish that people would see things from my perspective, i don't see things from their perspective either. 

and there are other issues when i sometimes seriously don't know anymore. if you really do feel that you owe me a lot and you are grateful to me then why the long periods of silences? i don't expect any repayment cause i really love you and you're one of my most special friends ever. but sometimes i wished you would ask "how are you?" once in awhile. cause sometimes i'm not feeling okay. i'm really not. when you tell me your problems, i listen, i try my best to make things better for you. but i'm not okay too. i'm not okay either. it seems like you no longer have time for me. and you don't know how much i wished that you would be there just as before. sighs
One day, the father of a very wealthy family--living in the city--took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how the poor people live.

The father wanted the experience to really "sink in" so they spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a beautiful winding creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

i can't believe i'm sitting here crying. this is shit.

as i read through each and every note and letter in the tins, different emotions rushed through me at full force. happiness. sadness. pain. wistfulness. regrets. i try very hard to remember, but many memories are fuzzy, though some still come back with crystal clarity. i seriously can't believe how childish i was last time. i cringed at some of the memories and also the blog posts i wrote in the past. but nonetheless, i'm grateful for each and every happening cause that's what made me the person i am today (:

i really feel like thanking the people who made my life such a wonderful one especially in the 4 years of my secondary school life.  despite the fact, that we're probably not as close as before, or not close at all anymore, i'm still grateful for the times shared, the happy memories and also the sad ones. this probably seems very random since it's been 2 years since we've graduated. but i felt the need to pen it down, so it'll always be there recorded by the archives of my blog.

but really, big thanks to the following people:

♥ angeline {from secondary 1 till now. i'm grateful forever more! i've been blessed with an angel in my life!}

♥ yingpeng {my closest friend in lower secondary. though we've drifted in upper secondary, but i'm glad we're still friends and we're still in touch.}

♥ guolian {glad we're close friends now. sorry for the childish stuff i did in the past and misunderstandings we had. but i guess maybe this has made our friendship stronger}

♥ geraldine {from seconday 1 when i idolized you to now someone i can confide in!}

♥ huimin {i believe we got closer cause of girl guides, being in the same patrol. though we're no longer as close as before, but thank you for always being there for me in the past.}

♥ limin {we were once close, fought, got close again then drifted as we went on to different schools. but whatever it is, thank you for everything!}

♥ esthersoh {i think we only got much closer after sitting together in class. thanks for always waking me up and keeping touch with me still!}

♥ melissa {only got closer to you in secondary 3 and i definitely don't regret that. it's probably one of the best things that ever happened in my life.}

♥ weiwen {my brother. i miss those days when i was in sec 3. though we're not that close but i'm glad you still treat me as your jie and confide in me}

♥ tecky {you were always there for me from last time till now. i'm glad we're in the same school, same course. it made life in ngee ann a much better one!}

♥ sheena {my punching bag! thanks for always making me smile, laugh when i'm down!}

♥ tsuhui {we had loads of misunderstandings. and i think we're closer now than before though we're not exactly that close still. but thanks!}

♥ yuanpin {thanks for cheering me on when i'm down. though we hardly talk these days, but thanks for everything in the past.}

♥ michael {for being a really great friend last time.}

♥ zirui {my brother in lower secondary. though we're not as close as before, it's always nice to talk to you whenever there are gatherings}

♥ zhuangwei {was never really close to you but thanks for listening to me. and you made my feel that planning class gatherings is definitely worthwhile.

♥ mrchiang {for being the most inspirational teacher in my life!}

not in any order but thanks for everything :D 

i think fate seems to be playing games with me. then again, i could be the determiner of the future too. i could just simply open my mouth and ask instead of hanging around holding onto the hope that i may just bump into him. but should it matter? does it really matter? if i ask, i feel like i'm being irrational. but then again, with matters of the heart, do we use our heart or our mind to lead the way? must it be rational? should we think through all the pros and cons? 

it shouldn't bother me. no it shouldn't. you don't mean anything. you don't.

left after awhile for school. supposed to discuss project for at least 30mins before magic briefing but because of delays here and there, nothing was discussed. so sorry guys! ): went for magic briefing and it ended late.

and i seriously should stop procrasinating. that's what i always say at the end of every assignment but i never seem to learn. please let me this be the last time i'm saying this.

i'm dead to the world. but i can't sleep yet. bah.

the scouts meeting was a pretty good one, i guess. the objectives of the meetings were achieved, unless there was some holding back from different sides. hopefully, there will be more progress this year and not so many problems. :D 

while the rest left, went back to talk to sijie. cleared all my insecurities and doubts in scouting with him. maybe, i really do lack confidence and i'm always easily stressed especially when asked to lead the boys. he made me see how pessimistic i was and that my behaviour was pretty much self-defeating. well, i can see scouting in  a different light now and hopefully it'll remain this way. i'm also going to train myself up with scouting skills. he told me it's not a must-have but then again, the scouts will never really respect me because i don't have the skills? but i guess, it's a fresh start. thank you sijie though you probably won't see this! :DD

and miss iris ng was really sweet! she went to hongkong and actually got me this cute little girl scouts keychain! thanks miss iris ng for remembering me! :D

headed to melissa's house after that! she cooked fried rice for me!!! :D:D:D it was delicious and filled with sweetness. i'm the first friend she has ever cooked for. i'm so so honoured. i feel so loved! she gave me a lovely notebook too! thanks my dearest hengjeemin,melissa! :D guolian came over and we mahjong-ed with mel's mummy! my system was crashing from the lack of sleep so i couldn't really concentrate.

guolian left and we went to meet tsu hui at anchorpoint! :D tsuhui offered to accompany me to get my new year clothes! and we're still meeting up on monday with zhuang wei for dinner before he enlists! YAY! :D  i really love spending time with them! 

but reality always hit so it's back to the essay. boo! ):

it seems like the echoes of the past was calling out to me. suddenly i hated all the changes. i hate the fact that the whole clementi is under renovation and along with it the buildings which holds many of my memories. the macdonalds which we went to after school. teck hin coffeeshop.  the fountain outside macdonalds. the old bus interchange which was just along the passageway to the mrt station. worse, the school building has been renovated and so much has changed. where are the places which used to hold our precious memories? the carpark where we used to do footdrills, the main staircase at the classroom block where we used to stare out at as seniors come down for recess. the quadrangle where we marched and were pumped and had our many speech days and morning assemblys. the prison gate where we fall in for girl guides. the space outside the PE store where we also used to fall in for guides when the prison gate was crowded. the big umbrella area where we gathered often after school. so much more. I REALLY DO MISS CTSS! I ESPECIALLY MISS MY FRIENDS AND THE LIFE I ONCE HAD IN SECONDARY SCHOOL! I REALISED HOW MUCH I REALLY DO MISS MY GUIDING DAYS TOO! 

girl guides really did take up a large part of my life in secondary school and i honestly don't regret. there are many wonderful people i met in my girl guides days both from guides and scouts. I had many wonderful experiences too. planning the heritage trail, the guides camp, giving command to the whole school in the morning, raising the school flag, taking part in outdoor cooking competition, learning gadget making, singing guiding songs, being a part of the songleading committee for Estrellas Campfire, being a patrol second, being an assistant company leader. in fact, i've really gained a lot out of my time for girl guides in some ways though probably not in terms of skills. i realised i've been ungrateful. ever since i've left guides and joined scouts, i felt like i've gained nothing because i lacked so much skills. but i guess i forgot to really look at the experiences and see how much i've learnt and matured. although guiding seem so different these days, i still miss the guiding days i used to have along with the lovely teachers, mrs ivy ng and mrs ong shiling especially. and some of friends from guides who definitely made guiding a much better experiences {melissa. guolian. esthersoh. sheena. huimin. geraldine. christinelien. huixin}

nostalgia hit me hard today. and maybe just a faint whiff of wistfulness. there's a part of me that wishes to turn back time so i would be able to re-experience secondary school again. this time, i'll probably live it to the fullest. (: sometimes its nice walking down memory like reading through past entries which i cringe to =x

well, had a really long talk with guolian and what she said was really thought provoking. "do you really think you still like him now? or it was the moments that you enjoyed last time making you feel drawn to him? if it's the latter...then it's probably because you're still holding on to the past too tightly but..it's not wrong of course..because those moments made you smile..you enjoyed those days..however..if that's the case, then I would tell you to free your hands of the past..embrace the present..go out there and look for more happy moments..don't live on those past ones!"

yes, maybe that's it. what i'm feeling is just a thing from the past. i've not really let go. i guess only i really know the answer. but when she said that, i felt better for some reason which i can't explain.

i never knew that i was so readable. but whatever it is, thank you guolian for the really long talk today. i really feel much better about a lot of stuff. thank you suki too! :D love you both! <33 

sometimes i feel that fate is really playing games with me. i bump into so many people but none of them is you. i see people who look like you but never you. and now this. 

i'm sick of it.

time to start on my essay. ):