the most memorable experience for 2008 was definitely the YEP trip to Unaccompanied Association (UNACAS) - Cambodia. it was definitely a life transforming experience for me. having been there twice, bonds and attachments were formed. friendships were fosted. {channa. bell. sara. narong. srey pea and coca). not forgetting the lovely friends i made from the team {irene. pei xian. melissa. chih ching. aileen. jasmine} new perspectives were also formed. i was touched by their faith in god as christians and i learnt more about christianity from them. i start to realise how lucky i was and how i didn't really treasure what i have such as my family. i start to cherish but after awhile, i ended up fighting with my parents over going back to cambodia. what a spoilt brat i was.

then a harder knock came with the passing of an uncle. i wasn't really that close to my uncle but it feels weird now that he's gone, like there's someone missing from the picture.  seeing my father cry was definitely one of the most painful or even the most painful thing in this world. he always appears so strong, so fierce and doesn't shed a tear.  only then, i really started to treasure my family. sure, i still argue with my parents but it doesn't mean i love them any less. i also start to treasure my extended family, my uncles, aunts and cousins. in the past, i thought that family gatherings was such a bore and a waste of time. when i was in sec 4, i even escaped for a few times. now, i probably start to understand the meaning of family. when i heard my father's rationale for always wanting such gatherings, i felt tears forming in my eyes. i wish i could be as great as a person as my dad, who loves his family so much. i've also stopped pestering my parents to allow me to go to cambodia. i've promised to return only after i graduate. a compromise that could have been made long ago. like mr glen said, "you can't always have what you want". 

i was disillusioned by community services for a period of time. i questioned the true purpose of community services. i questioned my purpose for doing community services.  to me, the cca points aren't important. but is it selfish for me to do community services, because i want to make others happy so that when others are happy, i'm happy too? am i selfish for this being my purpose in community services? i was hurt in the process of doing community services which makes me wonder people's purposes of doing community services. to appear good? for cca points? since we are all out to help others, why the need for backstabbing, for politics? it was a pretty hard knock, i guess. but what doesn't kill makes what stronger.

i also questioned my future. being on a scholarship this year is definitely one of the best things that happened to me! i've never dreamed that i would be given the NP Achievement Scholarship. it gave me confidence but also more pressure to perform. and i really want to make it. make my parents proud and se that i have not made the wrong decision by going to poly. i've always wanted to work with children or juveniles and i feel that being a child welfare office or a probation officer seems to be my calling. i'm not sure how it would work out since i'm still in poly. i'm really scared i won't be able to get into a local univeristy. but i guess i should work hard now and not put too much pressure on myself.

and this year, you started talking to me again. i didn't know you still played such a role in my life. i could never have forseen that after 2 long years, the feelings have not changed or is it a different one? all i know is that i sometimes find it hard to breathe and my heart is heavier when i think about you. my heart beat faster when i see someone whom i think it's you. when you talk to me, i feel happy. it's been 4 years plus since we first met. and 3 years plus since i like you. maybe you're no longer the same person i know. and the person whom i really like isn't you but the person from before? but i'm willing to give in my all for this once. i don't want anymore regrets. this time, i will finally be true to my feelings and i shall say it all out or find other ways to let you know. yet i'm afraid of the rebuttal. but then again, it may be for the better. this time round, i might finally be able to let go completely and not cling on to a hope that shouldn't even exist.

last of all, i'm really glad for the friends who have always stuck by me through ups and downs. people come and go. some for just a short while, some leave their footprints in your heart, while others still remain by your side. it seems like the passing of years have only strengthened my friendships with some and not cause us to drift further apart. i'm thankful once again for the lovely friends who's always there for me especially:

MELISSA

ANGELINE
TECKY

GERALDINE
GUOLIAN
WEI WEN

ESTHER SOH

SHEENA

IRENE
SUKI!

thank you for being a part of my life! :D i really do love all of you. here's wishing everybody HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D MAY THE YEAR AHEAD BE A WONDERFUL ONE! THE BEST IS YET TO BE! 

was reading up on cognitive behaviour intervention earlier. found this sentence which was rather thought provoking. "blame is at the core of most emotional disturbances." (Corey, 2009) whether is it blaming yourself or others. maybe thats why i'm still so messed up. 

intitally, i blamed you. i hated you. i regretted. then the absence sent a lull to things. i was at the point of not caring. but after 2 years, an appearance brought me to caring again. this time round, i blamed myself. especially after weiwen ranted to me on christmas eve. "why are girls like that?" "why don't they say what they really feel?" "why do they always like to keep things to themselves?" when he said that, i felt like crying. it felt like you were berating me for always keeping silent. i also felt my whole concept of things was wrong in the past. i wasn't mature enough. maybe its because of your past that kept pricking at my heart. i always felt insecure and that made matters worse. people told me things and it made me even more insecure. tell me, how am i not to blame you or myself? 

i have lots of regrets from the past. and the crazy thing is i'm actually thinking "give me one more chance, and i'll do it differently. i believe things will change. i believe so." i know i ought to scold myself for thinking this way but i can't help it. i just can't help thinking "what if". there are so many what ifs in life. too many. uncountable. i don't want to regret. thing is i once again acted indifferent when i cared so much. i should have just said yes. why did i have to act like i didn't want to. it was just an opportunity to meet up. the consequence; was it for the better or for the worse?

i feel like doing something drastic to my hair again. but i'll probably end up regretting again since it takes really long for my hair to grow to this length. besides i don't really know what i want to do with it. i want to pierce my ear again too. bah. randomness.

back to work!

i have been staying up really late these few days. 3am 4am. it's been a long time since i've done that. makes me wonder why i'm really staying up this late once again? sure, i'm reading but i don't usually leave my computer on cause its kinda distracting. i feel kind of foolish for doing this. it's like i'm once again back in sec 3 and 4 playing the waiting game. it's kind of silly. i really feel like slapping myself for doing this. but i'm happy when you talk to me.

i don't know why i'm so messed up regarding this all over again. maybe silence would have been better. maybe you shouldn't have talked to me. maybe its the dream that triggered what has been lying dormant. whatever it is, i have to be strong.

potlucked yesterday with primary school friends. 

wai kit really makes very yummy mushroom soup! and he didn't even use those powder mix! eddee can really cook pasta! i want to learn! and they said my cake was nice though eddee gave me tips on how to improve.

:DD

mahjong-ed and they wouldn't let me to leave the table because they said its bad luck for all of them if i were to leave in that round. superstitious. *shakes head* end up left around 11plus. freaked out the whole way when i was walking home. but i really did enjoy myself. sorry for my bad attitude in the past.

going to meet tecky for dinner later! (:

i looked through the past conversations. but i wasn't able to read the last few. it reopened the wounds. i shouldn't have. i shouldn't have. why all this weird dreams suddenly? 

i've never been really able to say no to people.

not in the past. not now either.

i'm sick of being such  a scaredy cat.

always afraid that people will scold me. 

i can't believe i'm crying on christmas eve.

thing is i don't really know why i'm crying.

blahh.

i'm back to the time when i kept waiting.

this is absolutely crazy.

i really feel all congested now.

i really should slap myself. 

anyway, its christmas eve! merry christmas people! (:

anyway, i'm sick of the segregation thing. we've already graduated for two years already. what for harp on it? don't tell me. i don't really care about the whole issue. i'm standing in the middle but honestly, instead of commenting on the other side, why not take the initiative right or just forget the issue and stick to your own side right?

people are always full of complaints. i'm not planning any class gathering anymore. that's what i said last year too. maybe this time, i will finally learn not be a busybody which was what my daddy said i was. 

on the bright side, returned to work at the student care today and the children are lovely. maybe cause it's the holidays and i don't have to force them to do work, they suddenly become angelic (: mrs gan and mrs tan said i was good with children. mrs tan even ask me set up childcare centre with her next time =x.  well, all i know is i want to work with children or youths in the future (: but i doubt i'll be a childcare teacher. the pains of being one i have already experienced =x

mel, i want to drink mushroom soup! :D

i dreamt of you. i dreamt that you were dying. but yet you came all the way just to look for me. it felt like there was a fist grabbing my heart. i was so afraid to let go of you. you told me things that i didn't use to believe in. i was angry with myself. i was so afraid that i'll lose you. and when you breathed your last, i jolt awake. 

 

i was so overcomed my fear. till i remember it was only a dream and its not true. then i felt a sense of wistfulness because dreams do not reflect reality and your feelings weren't true. but was what i felt true then? was this dream a part of my subconcious?

i don't know anymore.

thank you melissa :D

i don't regret going, honestly.

on the other hand, people do get on my nerves.

not going den REPLY not going.

don't be such an ass and don't reply. =.=

how would i know if you got recieve or not right? 

or you change number.

bah

i really miss my secondary school friends. ):

i really miss some of them to bits.

i have found the best friends ever during my seconday school days.

and i believe a few will stay with me for life.

this is so unlike poly.

there are times when i really dislike poly.

today is such a day.

you're such an ass.

bring our hopes up high

then let them drop.

are you a sadist?

does it make you happy to see our pain?

this isn't the first and i don't  think it will be the last.

this time, i'm not going to believe in your lies anymore.

don't tempt me. 

don't hit my weak spot.

i am feeling so retarded. i am talking to my brother on msn. even though we are both at home and our rooms are like opposite one another? ah. he bought this trick thing that sent a jolt to my heart. feels like i need to restart it. blah. brothers. yet i still love him. and no, he didn't bribe me to say that.

i can't stand it.

i can't freaking take it anymore.

what do you all think i am?

you think i'm mad too?

maybe you guys are the one who caused it.

sometimes i really hate being born. 

the wet and wild was definitely the best. we took the ride 3 times and we really got all wet. but then again it was really refreshing. i was such a scaredy cat when taking the viking ship. it felt like i was going to fly out of the ship and i didn't want to die =/ for once i was screaming like an idiot. maybe its my retribution for laughing at people who were screaming during the rides =x melissa was apparently amused by my screaming. but sorry melissa. =/ i know you wanted to take again but one viking ship was more than my heart can take already. the haunted house was pretty silly yet scary. we entered with a family with loads of kids and the kids wanted out almost immediately when they entered. so it kind of freaked us out. the guy who was guiding us was pretty amused by the two of us. he was like "you all so scared, why you all still come in uh?" but i guess it really was for the thrill of it. :DD

and finally melissa has managed to make me impressed with DBSK. :D time spent with melissa is definitely love x infinty! :D i love you too mel!

but honestly, can't seem to get too high about it. maybe it's just that my brain can't function properly after a sleepless night. stayed up from 1am to complete it and only managed to sleep at 3pm plus. who else to blame but myself again for procrasinating. urgh. somehow i woke up and i'm still tired but i can't fall asleep which is freaking irritating. oh well.

can't wait for tomorrow :D meet up with my dearest hengjeemin! :D melissa ^^

just after i posted the previous entry.

i was given a chance to finally see you again.

but fate tend to play tricks on you.

i wasn't free on the day you are

you weren't free on the day i am.

maybe this is fate telling me i should not meet you. its probably only a recipe for trouble and more hurt to come.

if so, why do i feel that tinge of disappointment? sighs

despite it all, it still did.

i wanted the shirt.

because i just wanted to see you again.

i go JW library

because i hope to catch a glimpse of you.

if that's not crazy,

i wonder what is.

i close my ears.

i close my eyes.

i don't want to see.

i don't want to hear.

tired. that's what i am. life's complicated or maybe its people make it complicated.

i need to get a hold of my emotions.

no more losing of temper.

no more vulgaraties.

who will be there always.

and make everything ok.

who says i'm not? i'm trying my best. but one mistake and a whole load of nagging will start. since when did you ever commented when i did something right?

why do people remember you for the wrong you did but never the right you do?

i ruin your day? you ruin mine too and i have a freaking counselling assessment later. 

peace? i want it too. and i'm worse off than you. cause i hate myself for feeling this way.