;i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

i'm filled with anticipation yet fear. please let everything go well. i can compromise with other stuff.

if only. if only.

NCSS carnival

yesterday was at the NCSS carnival to perform magic and also to help out at the Dignity Links food booth. all way from morning till night. it was tiring but definitely a wonderful experience. big thanks to shao shiuan for helping out at the booth and accompanying me! (:

anyway, i've learnt more about Dignity Links and the people there are really nice! (: i can't wait for their volunteer programme to start. (:

the best thing is i managed to catch the fireworks festival while on duty! it was really an enchanting sight. though i forgot to take my camera along with me. ): but at least there was the company of friends and an eye candy which made it all the more better!

we saw sharity elephant at the carnival :D

shuxian, choo min and shawn performing magic!

the magic team with our "teacher" keng san! :D
-------------------------------------------------------
to be listened to. to be heard. to be understood.
it meant a lot to me.
i'm glad for the wonderful lecturers in PCS.
thank you ms heidi (:

return

EXAMS ARE OVER! WOOHOO!!! AND THE BEST THING IS THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!

i really got to get a job soon. cause i really want to return to cambodia this holidays. sighs. recieved an email from unacas. "now the dispute between Thai and cambodia has been addressed already, so you can come to cambodia." if only things were that easy. i could go but not with my parents' approval as my brother said. but can i live with it? can i really go ahead without their approval? yet i can't force them to give their approval because i know they will be worried. its just so conflicting. AHHH!

where am i to find an adult? oh well. i believe things will work out. or rather i hope =/

study. study. study

been slacking and doing stuff, anything except studying. i think i'm heading for deep shit. i really don't want brain and behaviour exam to be a replica of lifespan exam where i became so lost and so close to tears. it was bad. =/

after so long, i've only completed 1 1/2 chapter, its really time to buck up! i better start working hard. i don't want any more regrets, don't want any more tears. sighs. better throw the other stuff aside. at least i've just completed what i need to do for scouts. so it's time i can concentrate. though i still have to head down to ctss tomorrow. ):

ahhh. concentrate! and i better stop my obsessive e-mail checking. still keeping my fingers crossed. i really want to go back cambodia. but i guess i better concentrate on exams first to show that the whole cambodia thing won't affect my studies. jiayou jiahui!

and a big jiayou to tecky, irene, bing rong, suki, yiwen, sin yee, yanty, jaslyn, zoe! all the best people! (:

time to hit the books. time check: 11pm.

selfish desire

mr glen told me "you can't always get what you want". this set me thinking. i am indeed selfish. i want to return to cambodia without sparing a thought for my parents. i know they will worry and i still want to go ahead. in fact, right now, i still want to go ahead. maybe cause i understand their fears and worries but i do not see the rationality behind it. maybe i am blinded by the love and attatchment for the children in UNACAS or maybe those worries are unfounded.

"break the attatchment". no, i can't. i'm sorrie, i really can't. i mean a lot to them and even more so they mean a lot to me. as the time pass, the longing only gets stronger. the heart only gets heavier. the tears threaten to fall. i really do wish to return to UNACAS this september.

the only way to resolve it all is to find an adult to make this journey. but where am i to find one?

pardon my selfishness. pardon my unfilialness.
most importantly, pardon this heart of mine which i can't control.

08/08/08

08/08/08 was indeed a wonderful day for me (:

i've finally gathered up the courage to do two things which i have always been afraid to do. and indeed i feel like a load has been taken off my shoulder. first, i thank him for his understanding and appreciate the guidance through the past few months. second, i thank my mother for hearing my pain.

it was also a great day spent with wonderful people, irene! not forgetting jackson whom we bump into when we were heading for lunch (:

our marriage vow: I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live! (: yes, irene, maybe not a marriage vow, but this is a pledge of our friendship! (: may it survive through all adversities, become stronger and let us be friends forever! (: i thank you for everything, your support, your encouragement, you cheering me up when i'm down. and i really hope that i can be there for you too. thank you qing ai de! :D

headed off to visit our VWO (Dignity Links) for the NCSS carnival. mr christopher was indeed an inspiring speaker. he brought out a lot of points which i have never thought of and these set me thinking. now, i am more inspired to work harder. as he said "empower yourself for the benefit of others". if i want to serve the community, i need to work hard first! he also mentioned that we aren't doing things just for people. for example, when you see them happy, and you feel happy, its more of an exchange.

i'm determined to work hard, to empower myself. to serve not only UNACAS but also the community.

tired

and because i'm really tired. and i need a shoulder to lean on. indeed, crying is tiring. being sad is tiring too. what a moody day. i feel like snapping at everybody. roarr. i really need to scream all the pent up emotions inside of me. broke the news to them. i'm sorrie ): i'll try my best to return, no matter what it takes.

i have yet to reach 18 but i can't wait to be 21. then, i'll be considered an adult and have the freedom to do the things i would like to do. it's sad to think this way. cause i don't really want to grow up. but i guess its just a passing random thought of the moment.

on a lighter note, there are two people i really must thank. ms joyce and especially mr glen. it's wonderful to have lecturers who are willing to listen and to advice.

for now, it's time to concentrate on WIC assignment. another sleepless night, but i'll stay strong and work hard. for them, i will. and for mr glen too. cause i can't bear to let him down.

the tears that won't stop falling

i can't help but cry with every trigger that brings back the good times spent with UNACAS. this is bad. i feel like i'm going crazy. i've become a wreck. and this is the most crucial point of time. the time when assignments and projects are due. the time when exams have come.

during open mic, i was having fun. and savouring the last lesson that we will be having with reuben. reuben's inspirational words, sharyl's wonderful singing, benjamin's cool guitar playing and shao shiuan's brilliant er hu performance! it was great. but when they started to sing That's What Friends Are For, i felt myself choking with all the memories. it was a song which fully reminded me of the children in UNACAS. i was there trying my best to hold back the tears once more.

as irene said, "the memories that once made me smile, makes me cry".

i have nothing to look forward to. my greatest fear came true. and my greatest wish? when will it ever ccome true?
----------------------------------------------------
Dionne Warrick - That's what friends are for

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'
---------------------------------------------------
till the day we meet again. ♥♥♥channa. sara. narong. bell. sreypea. coca.

it hurts so much

why can't you all understand my pain? why can't you all ever understand? can't you all see how much i'm really hurting inside? it's not about bravery. it has nothing to do with that. it's something much deeper. much much deeper. what can i do to make you see?

i'm too young. i'm a girl. i can understand from your point of view. but i promise to keep safe and not leave the orphanage till i return to singapore. and why not see it from my point of view? when will i ever be able to return to cambodia if i have to an adult accompanying? which adult can i turn to who will accompany me to cambodia?

you said you don't see why i should return to cambodia. but maybe this is something you will never understand, probably for the rest of your life. the beauty of the children in UNACAS. the happiness from deep within. the feeling that there is so much more you would like to do for them, to love them, to help them and to just see the smile on their faces.

it's hard not to form an attatchment. ms joyce said so too. but you will never understand because you have never experienced it for yourself. or maybe cause you've never thought well of community service or social work.

and those dreams that i have been having, or rather nightmares came true after all.

a broken heart

the news broke my heart. and i felt a pain that i have not felt for so long. it sucks to have your hopes up high and then have them dashed in an instant.

i was so looking forward to return to cambodia. it was my source of motivation to be strong, to hang in there despite the various difficulties. it was my source of motivation to work hard, to excel in my studies so that my parents will be proud of me and allow me to return to cambodia. but now all the dreams are dashed.

why must fighting occur in the world? why can't there be peace? why must countries always fight over some territorial gains?

my dearest channa, sara, narong, bell, srey pea, coca. someday, somehow, somewhat, i will be back. will you wait for me? i miss you. ): please stay safe, till the day we meet again.

i shouldn't be blogging. i should be doing my work. but here i am once again. supposedly a wonderful day but once again spoilt by some stupid stuff. always the same old thing.

the complexity of these feelings. who could understand. or rather, who could i even tell. because i hate myself for these arising feelings. how could i bear to let people know what a horrible person i am.

tired. back to work. please let school be over soon. let the holidays be here. and let me go back to cambodia ):
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★ Welcome!

jiahui
23
15nov1990
~~PEPS~~
~~CTSS~~ [♥4d1'06]
NP [♥Psychology & Community Services]
~~NUS~~ [Social Work]
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