;i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

illusions

how would you feel if someone answers all your questions with a why? after nearly 5 months, i mustered up all the courage i had and this is what i get. yes, i do get an answer but always accompained with a "why". can't i just simply be concerned? the fact is, i'm really concerned. i do give a damn. i've thought of blaming you for everything, yet i always ended up pushing the blame back to myself. i could drive myself crazy with all the spectulations that i come up with. its a wonder why i haven't really broken down yet. at times, i really feel i'm losing my mind. besides, you said everything must have a reason. you can say that, yet you deny me my right from the truth. i wanted to ask you for the truth but you went offline, probably because you didn't want to talk to me longer. but honestly, i don't want anything more. just a platonic friendship. you're immature. a coward, because you don't even want to face up to it and be friends.

does the truth really matter anymore? maybe it doesn't really matter anymore. for now, i finally see you for who you really are. heartless. once, everything seemed so perfect, now everything shattered and i realised they were merely illusions. after this, maybe i would have no more regrets. its obvious that you do not need or want my friendship. i dare say i have tried. this time, its really goodbye forever. lets hope this is the last entry i shall ever post about you. i don't care if you read it which you most probably wouldn't because you simply don't give a damn.

goodbye forever.

paranoid?

i was happy yet only for a split second. the courage that i had taken close to five months to muster up, all wasted. now all i really want to do, is bawl my eyes out. paranoid? probably. then again, fact? maybe. i don't know. somehow i just don't feel that its just me being paranoid. yet i hope i am. but i don't want to live with illusions no more. thought i could finally end this once and for all, but i couldn't. sighs.

PS: kind stranger, who are you? somehow without knowing the identity i might be giving myself false hope of who you really are.

you were never fair to me
you said everything had to have a reason
but you gave me no reason.

emo emo emo

yes yes yes, FINALLY i'm back from an update after the flooding of my tagboard for me to update. lol.

well well well, school has started and i'm loving it! (: the lessons are uber interesting, or rather most are. there are some lessons when the teachers rant about those very dry topics and i go off into outer space. X) ahh. in other words, my favourite sport, stoning. xp but as the day goes by, it makes me want to read up more and more on psychology etc. so fascinating. (: my classmates are really nice and friendly people too. so its not a bad start after all. yayness!

on a heavier note, i realised that sometimes emotions are just written on our faces. no matter how we hide them, it'll still be reavealed in some way. during the carnival cum speech day, from the photos taken, what i was feeling then was written in my face. that forced smile, just so fake. i look at it and wonder how could it even be posssible for me to smile in that manner? sighs. honestly, i didn't really enjoy the carnival. partly because of the bad business of the stall and also due to another factor. i'm really sorry if i had a serious attitude prob then. oh well. but such a pity that i ended up so emo during the carnival. i was looking forward to it, thinking that it would be some sort of a reunion, cam whoring with my friends etc. but guess things don't really always turn out the way we want it.

but then again sometimes, even if things out the way we want it, when our wishes come true. it might not be the best thing after all. isn' that so? my wish for my birthday last year came true. but so what? i regret ever making that wish. i had one of the worst birthdays in my life because of that wish. imagine crying on your birthday and those tears were not those of joy but of pain. how would it be like? i shudder at the thought of it. so as people say, be careful what you wish for.

i just realised that how everyone has moved on going into different chapters of life yet i somehow have been left behind. not because people don't care about me but simply because i keep looking back. i'm a loser. like totally. i keep looking back, holding on to the past, unable to let go. but i just want to know the truth. is that really too much to ask for? somehow, i feel that only the truth can lead to the closure. only then, can i really open my heart and let go of everything thats holding me back. i'm about to drive myself crazy with all the spectulation. just tell me the truth please? ~~i'm pathetic~~

oh well, my song for the moment anyway. enjoy! (:

S.H.E - 爱呢

爱呢爱呢
我们的爱呢

你在怀里藏什么挤得抱不紧我
在你胸口找温柔只找到一片沙漠
没有蝗的笑容没有温度的手
慢慢倾斜的天空正迅速压垮着我

爱呢你的爱呢
你呢我的你呢
从前的那些快乐
变了没了难道你真舍得
真舍不得心呢被弄痛了
承诺呢被丢弃了
我的爱呢
你把它给谁了

你在回味什么嘴唇没空吻我
想再听你说爱我只听到一阵沉默
是不是我迷了路走进别人的梦中
原本熟悉的亲密变成陌生的问候

爱呢你的爱呢
你呢我的你呢
从前的那些快乐
变了没了难道你真舍得
真舍不得心呢被弄痛了
承诺呢被丢弃了
我的爱呢
你把它给谁了

知道世界很善变
没想到连你也变
我好怀念你刚开始爱上我的那天

你在怀里藏什么挤得抱不紧我
在你胸口找温柔只找到一片沙漠
没有蝗的笑容没有温度的手
慢慢倾斜的天空一片一片哦～～

爱呢你呢
从前的那些快乐
变了没了难道你真舍得
真舍不得心呢被弄痛了
承诺呢我的爱呢

爱呢你呢
从前的变了难道你真舍得
心呢被弄痛了
承诺呢被丢弃了
我的爱呢你把它给谁了

when i saw you
something tugged at my heart.
somehow i wish you were right there by my side once more.

i'm feeling absolutely horrible. drained. utterly disappointed. close to tears.

tecky said friends know how you feel inside. wearing a mask wouldn't stop them from knowing. but... do they really know sometimes? i'm not blaming anybody. but i belive that friends don't always know, yet to no fault of theirs. its just that one probably puts on a mask too well...

did you ever love me? if i knew the answer to that, probably i would be happier.
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★ Welcome!

jiahui
23
15nov1990
~~PEPS~~
~~CTSS~~ [♥4d1'06]
NP [♥Psychology & Community Services]
~~NUS~~ [Social Work]
♥ SIMPLE PLAN
♥ ZAI ZAI
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chewjh@hotmail.com