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and i don't know whats up with me. feeling really down lately. somehow things don't seem to be going right. i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of this life. shucks. but do you even know? or do you even care? you never seem to be there. and sometimes i wonder, was it really meant to be? i'm tired. yes, i hate it. and thats why i'm escaping. i admit it. and all i really wanna do now. is just sit in a corner and cry. when the tears fall all i wish is for you to be there beside me and wipe those tears from my face. i'm an insecure person. sighs. what should i do? hmmm. when you said you were tired, did you mean that you were getting tired of me? if you are, let me know before i fall even deeper than i already have. and life is just so hard to comprehend. is it just me who can't understand life or others too? or am i just the only lost sheep waiting for someone to light up the path for me? life's just so complicated at times. i'm starting to see the bad side of people. and i'm hating it. yes, sometimes i just rather not know the truth. though nobody should be denied for the truth, the truth hurts, downright hurts. i don't want to know and most of all i don't want to see it for myself. why do people treat me as if i'm invincible? why? is there just something wrong with me? or is there a problem with them? i thought we were friends, good friends or even very good friends. its horrible to be treated as invincible. really horrible. then i start to feel that some people are just downright selfish. indeed it is human's nature to be selfish, but its a matter of to what extent. i've always believed in one thing and that is friends help one another and grow together. for personal interests, not wanting to help a friend is terrible. i wouldn't call one who does that much of a friend. yup. i wouldn't. friends? what is the definition of friends anyway? the dictionary has it that a friend is a person whom you know well and whom you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family. but i believe different people have different definitions of friends. i have mine too. and i start to see things in a different light. me? jia hui? who am i? i don't really exactly understand myself. love myself? i'm trying but its hard because circumstances are making me start to hate myself. because it feels as if i'm doing the right thing, yet a small little part of me tells me i'm wrong. yes, i can't help it. who wouldn't want to love themselves? who wouldn't? don't kill my dreams. for they are all i have. no 6. #180. (: and i shall learn to believe. because i'm afraid
maybe..just maybe.. i have lost too much. that i'm so afraid to lose what i have now. yes, i am afraid. and i don't ever want to lose you will you ever abandon me? and all that is left is a person with a broken soul you never seem to be there un-break my heart, won't you? blahh. here for a short update just to get away from maths. i'm so dead. i forgot so many things. ahh! must revise revise revise! chiong arhh! (: hehe. surprise.SURPRISE.surprise. lol. i actually MISS school k? =/ lol. yups. i just so miss school. hmmm. lol. they should be having chem remedial now. blahh. okies. i so miss school. can't wait to be back tml. heh. oh man. just now mr chiang call me. i completely freaked out. i thought he think that i skip school or smth den he call and check. =/ but actually he called to check if i got go overseas and fallen sick becos of that. oh well. back to maths. (: but on a serious note, i'm lost. really lost. someone, light the path for me. and if you could just hold my hand and guide me down the path that i had strayed from. sick.SICK.sick.SICK. i'm sick. a moment ago i was feeling hot, the next moment i'm feeling damn cold. argh. fever keeps coming and going. oh man, its killing me. blahh. tml can't go to school le. ): boo! gonna miss out on alot. i'm so scared man. bleah. wanted to go to school de. debated with mel for so long. in the end i lost, so i ain't going. oh well, mel lost her toilet partner=x. haha. well, i'm off to do some maths. gee when you asked me that question my heart seemed to have stopped beating i wish that day would never come. will it? in your eyes, i never seem to be doing the right thing. its always wrong. tell me what should i do to gain your approval? its killing me. its making me want to kill myself. all i want is to please you because of you (: <3
Celine Dion - Because You Loved MeFor all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby You're the one who held me up Never let me fall You're the one who saw me through through it all You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me You gave me wings and made me fly You touched my hand I could touch the sky I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach You stood by me and I stood tall I had your love I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me Maybe I don't know that much But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me You were always there for me The tender wind that carried me A light in the dark shining your love into my life You've been my inspiration Through the lies you were the truth My world is a better place because of you You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me I'm everything I am Because you loved me my song of the moment (: hee. i'm all so crazy over this song. (: just so rawks can? =x last but not least, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAX! (: [edit] ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to KARTHIBAN TOO! [/edit] you filled me with love i never thought i would ever get. - 因为会有那么一天 我们牵著手在草原 听鸟儿歌唱的声音 听我说声我爱你 - memoriess` that will live always. me. myself. i. i look into the mirror and ask, jiahui who are you really? i don't really know who i am. no i don't know. who is this person staring back at me really? i've lost myself. i don't understand myself. and i'm really tired. i feel like raising my hands to surrender. right or wrong? i no longer know wat i am doing. to some, it may be the right thing but to others its the wrong thing. i really don't know. not everybody is trying to make my life easier. why don't people just leave me alone? why can't people just let me lead my life? why must they intefere in my life? why must they give me advices that i didn't ask for? all these isn't helping me. its confusing me. its making me feel damn lost. do people understand this? i'm sorrie if i've offended anyone. i appreciate you trying to help but maybe just leave me alone. because right now i need peace. i need time to think through. thats all i want. i'm really tired. please, can i be selfish just for once? can i be selfish? life isn't easy. and somehow on this journey, i've lost my way. but i know this much is true i was blessed because i was loved by you. wheee!~ well. haha. todae had chem pract. (: i tink it turned out rather well though i had a hard time scraping the residue into the test tube. shucks=/. and i managed to light the bunsen burner myself! (: heh. mel don't look down on me..okay? gee. haha. well. end of all my practs le. tml is bio. if i hadn't drop it, i would probably still be mugging for it todae. =/ though it isn't gonna be fun mugging, but still i regret. sighs. every time i see them having so much fun in bio. i just wish i had work harder in sec 3 den i wouldn't have to drop. the mistakes i made in sec 3 is something that could never be made right again. and now all i can do is live with regrets. yeah. time can never turn back no matter how much i want it too. well, just too bad i guess. but i guess i'm coping better with 7 subjects. (: blahhh. having a mood-swing now=/. shucks. don't know why i feel so frustrated all of a sudden. weird weird weird me. blah. i just so hate mood swings. argh. staring my phone like an idiot. like if by staring, messages will start coming in. =/ ARGH! i'm waiting. i'm waiting. i'm still waiting. bleah. IDIOTIC ME=/. shucks. all of a sudden i feel scared and my heart asks do i mean anything to you? (:
screwed screwed screwed. argh. i screwed my physics practical up. =/ gosh. it was really bad. they ask for a straight line and i gave them a curve=x. how idiotic could i get. well. its over so i shall forget about it le. at least this is only term 3. heh. so it ain't that bad. lol. i shall open my eyes damn big when doing my prelim's and O's practicals.=x not gonna commit anymore stupid mistakes le.had a good talk with tecky yesterday. (: yups. thanks my dear friend! (: heh. he sent me a nice song. (: wheee! McFly - You've Got A Friend When you're down and troubled And you need a helping hand Nothing, no nothing is going right Close your eyes and think of me And soon I will be there To brighten up even your darkest night You just call out my name And you know wherever I am I'll come running yeah To see you again Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you have to do is call And I'll be there yeah You've got a friend If the sky above you Should turn dark and full of clouds And that old north wind should begin to blow Keep your head together Call my name out loud Soon I'll be knocking up on your door You just call out my name And you know wherever I am I'll come running Oh yes I will To see you again Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you have to do is call And I'll be there yeah You've got a friend Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend People can be so cold They'll hurt you and desert you Well they'll take your soul if you let them (oh yeah) But don't you let them You just call out my name And you know wherever I am I'll come running oh yes I will To see you again Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you have to do is call And I'll be there yes I will You've got a friend here's the lyrics. (: enjoy! (: yups. people can be so cold. they will hurt you and desert you. they will take your soul if you let them. and sometimes after all these, one would get so lost. but to know that you have a friend is something that would renew one's strength and give you a sense of direction. (: yes, a friend is a wonder in many ways. and i am grateful to the friends i have. (: and to those who really care, i just want you all to know that i know it and i feel it too. (: and i'm really grateful for your concern. i love you guys! (: especially mel, guolian and angeline! (: you gave me the comfort i want the warmth i need. and i know there you'll be. hmm. it's been a long time since i've last blogged. haha. as guolian says, my blog is decomposing. shrugs. lol. i guess so. anyway i've changed to a new blogskin (: nice? haha. suits me. lol. i do want to rewind back to the past. to me, probably things were simpler before. but why do i say that? i guess its because as we grow older, our mind matures and our thinking gets complicated. right now, we tend to think too deeply thus complicating matters. when we were much younger, we used to view these things very simply, but yet now we tend to view these things as complicated. if things are like this, i would rather not grow up. yes, sometimes i just don't wanna grow up. because life has not been exactly smooth-sailing as i grow up. sighs. that day i met up with geraldine. she said i look sad. den i wondered, do i really look that sad? i went to ask esther. she said, yah actually you look quite sad. maybe everything seems to be moving so fast. so out of control. that i just can't catch up anymore. all i want to do now. is just sit down on the floor and view all these things. because i'm tired. i'm really very tired. probably, one could say i'm giving up. yes, to a certain extent i probably am. wat else could i do? stheng told me not to hate myself. its not my fault. but i can't help but still hate myself sometimes. one part of me tells me jia hui you are not at fault here but another part of me is feeling guilty telling me jia hui why must you do this? its tearing me apart. its draining my energy. i am confused. i don't even know what in the world should i do. i'm lost. very lost. if i don't do this, its going again my principle in life. yet if i do this, the consequence could be unthinkable. i really don't know what to do. choices are really so hard to make in life. right now, i'm at a crossroad. i have to choose a path to take. but right now, i'm not doing anything. i'm just sitting at the crossroad waiting for a sign to point the right way out for me. waiting for a sign that would never come. because choices are what people make for themselves. no one can help anth person make choices. how long more am i going to wait before i make up my mind? just how long more? i really don't know. sighs. den sometimes i just wonder. am i at fault? sometimes i just feel like pulling my hair and scream, why is jia hui ALWAYS the ONLY person at fault? why? why? why? can anybody tell me the answer? yes, i don't deny the fact that i could also be at fault too. but why in the eyes of others, i'm the only one who's wrong? why? its tiring. and with fingers always pointing at me. its really killing me. yes. just shoot me dead. i just don't want to face up with all these. because i'm really tired. and all i wanna do is raise the white flag and fade away. maybe, things are just happening too fast so much so that i don't have the energy to fight on. will people try to understand me? understand my stand? especially people close to me? will they do so? sighs. i don't cry on the outside. but deep inside my soul is bleeding, and one day all that will be left is just an empty soul. someone heal my soul please. lead me out from all these please. because i can't take it no more. its getting harder and harder to breathe and i long for you to hold me close to reassure me and tell me that everything is going to be just fine. because i'm lost. and i need you right beside me. 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