;i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

i realized that the feelings were so raw and real, which made it harder to express 


 the heart doesn’t rest easy 


at the end of the day, you’re just doing it for you. it isn’t for me. i dread it so much, the thought of having to spend time alone with you. how did it come to this? 

each time i think that maybe i’m too harsh and i should let my guard down, your actions only show to me that i made the right decision. but this decision is also filled with guilt and regret. 



empty well

 how do you draw from a well that is empty?

i feel that everyone wants a piece of me, but I feel so empty and overwhelmed and i don’t feel like there’s anything more that i can give. yet, it feels like it’s required of me and i cannot do any differently. so i trudge on even though inside i’m screaming  

i really do feel that i can’t breathe. 


disrepair

what do you do when a relationship has broken down and fallen into such disrepair and there doesn’t seem to be a way to come back from it?

where once there was enthusiasm about things, factoring the person into plans, prioritizing the person’s well-being. now all that’s left is a sense of obligation. 

this was never the kind of relationship i wanted. it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and a heaviness in the heart. 

but there’s no going back too. i don’t want to go back to how it was in the past. i don’t even want to try or make any effort to do so. 

it’s like the heart has been stabbed a thousand times. how do you ever recover from something like that? 


when every word you says feel empty because you know there’s nothing you can do that can make the situation better. 

life is cruel, so so cruel


things have been tough. some days are ok, other days it feels harder to breathe. some days i’m on the brink of tears, other days i can still smile, joke and laugh around.

the toughest thing about all of these is that each time when i feel so suffocated, i pick up the phone, wanting to reach out to somebody and i have absolutely no idea who to reach out to. i remember how when i was younger, it was easier. when I am feeling down, i would just call a friend to share even if the things that made me down were silly and minor. yet now i’m often at a loss.

what is it about growing up that makes it harder to reach out for support, a listening ear? is it fear that i would not be understood? is it worry that i would be troubling others? is it being pragmatic that sharing wouldn’t change my situation?

who knows? all i know is that there are times i feel so alone. but it is my own doing.
心寒
i was reminded that people are often more complex than they seem. when we know someone for many years, we tend to forget that there is more to them than the sides we see. though we love them, we also tend to let little things irritate us. we take them for granted. we forget all that they’ve done for us, how they have been there, how they have always been there and how they will always be there.

a friend’s actions reminded me of this. and it couldn’t have been more timely.
uneasy
the heart hasn’t been able rest easy. the mind too. i’m not sure why i’m responding in this manner. maybe it’s just been too many losses at one go. significant ones at that. praying for the wisdom and strength to persevere in spite of everything. 
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15nov1990
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